Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-05-06 Location : Citadel Station
Subject: SoldierG65434-2 Fic Commentaries Tue Mar 20, 2012 8:23 pm
Polaris mentioned to me a while back about how she wanted to do a commentary on some of her fics. Since I though this was a good idea and have a copious amounts of free time I decided that I would like to commentate on some of my stuff as well.
If you have a particular one-shot or chapter of a fic that you would like me to do a commentary for, just post it here and I'll get to it probably pretty soon. These will only be getting posted here, and I'll only be taking requests for commentaries here.
I'm not to sure about the formatting of this. If you have a better idea then please tell me.
As I stated in the original AN, this title continues my storied tradition of lazy titles. The title is taken from the Blackstar song Brown Skin Lady. Unlike some other titles of mine, this one is at least semi-appropriate. The song itself is about the natural beauty of black women (as well as continuing hip-hops foot fetish), so at least there’s a loose thematic connection, since this fic centers around physical beauty. At least that’s how I’m going to justify it.
This is also a pre-name-change fic, so I’ll be referring to here as Sui-Feng because I’m too lazy change it in the fic. This is also unedited, so any mistakes that were in the original are still here.
Yoruichi listen to the fish filets sizzle in the pan as she prodded them with a fork. It was highly unusual for a noble to prepare their own meals while at their home, but Yoruichi had ordered all the servants not to disturb her anymore today. The Shihoin estate was made up of numerous, unconnected, apartments and buildings rather than one large compound, so the servants could tend to the rest of the grounds while she remained secluded.
Yoruichi flipped the fish in the pan, ensuring that it cooked through evenly. It was koi, Soifon’s favorite, caught naught two-hundred feet from where she stood by her own hands and seasoned just how Soifon liked. It was a special meal, but Yoruichi hopped that it would be a special night as well.
Spoiler:
Sui-Feng has really shitty taste in fish then, since koi is just a breed of carp. You’d think after a couple centuries eating the things you would have picked a better favorite fish.
Yoruichi and Soifon had been seeing each other since their investigation into the Bounts. Having finally reconciled their past, it seemed only natural to progress their relationship, and their time together gathering and analyzing intelligence on the new threat served as the perfect catalyst.
Spoiler:
Three paragraphs in a row starting with the same word. That should not have happened. This was one of my earlier fics, and I didn’t do much in the way of editing and revising then. That was part of the reason I was so prolific; I would crank a fic out and just post it, unlike now where I can get held up for weeks by a single sentence. Sure, the quality is generally better now, but is it worth the wait? You’ll have to tell me.
This was also written during them time when I would use the Bount Arc as a plot device to further their relationship for convenience sake. I hated it them but I felt like I needed to justify why and how they became closer and I wasn’t creative enough to come up with something of my own. Fuck the Bount Arc was terrible. I want to edit any references to it (and the anime in general) out of my fics sometimes.
In the beginning, they were fierce lovers, unbridled in their passion. The female form was no strange to Soifon’s hands and she was eager to demonstrate her knowledge to her former sempai. However, as time passed, their relationship seemed to cool.
To Yoruichi, sex was passion. All of the relationships she had been a part of had centered around the act. When the sexual passion died, so did the relationship. That was just how it was. There were no hard feelings, she simply moved on.
Spoiler:
I’m surprised people, especially Captain, didn’t object to this characterization of Yoruichi. It’s rather shallow, and while it doesn’t necessarily play into play into the strumpet archetype, it still makes a large part of her life and personality revolve around sex.
That was what she was afraid was happening to her and Soifon, save for one detail. In the past, it had always been Yoruichi who had grown bored of her lovers. This time, it was Soifon who seemed to be losing interest.
It had started out almost imperceptible. Yoruichi had been denied because of work. It was understandable, considering Soifon’s workload, but it was a sign of things to come.
Yoruichi visited Soifon often. There was no reason for her not to, considering her copious free time. Yoruichi would offer to “relieve” Soifon’s stress, and Soifon would accept the offer, in the beginning. As time passed, Soifon refused her advances more and more, sometimes without reason. Yoruichi remembered vividly that she had been rebutted with a “No thank you,” once.
But it wasn’t just sex itself that Soifon refused. Yoruichi’s disdain for clothing was well known and had been embraced by all of her previous partners. Who wouldn’t want a beautiful woman to walk around naked? Soifon was different. Whenever Yoruichi showed skin, Soifon was quick to avert her gaze. It was almost as if she didn’t want to see.
Soifon also kept her hands to herself, only indulging in physical affection in the bedroom. To someone who is as physically affectionate as Yoruichi, this was jarring.
For someone who has been lusted after for their entire life, the idea that someone was growing tired of her company was freighting. It undermined the image of herself she held and her self-esteem. The confident, sexually assured woman that was Yoruichi was the product of a lifetime of being told that she was the most beautiful woman and fantastic lover. This fear was coupled with the fact that, for the first time, Yoruichi felt compelled to try and make things work between her and Soifon. That was why she had a special evening planed.
Spoiler:
As someone who’s grown out of their “All YoruSoi, all the time” phase, this passage kind of bothers me. Why does Yoruichi feel compelled to make things work between her and Sui-Feng. There’s no real reason give other than “because YoruSoi.”
Had I removed that line, though, things would have gone in a completely different direction. The only reason Yoruichi would have for going the extra mile would be her monomaniacal obsession with sex and her own sexiness, making her quite narcissistic.
Yoruichi was jolted out of her thoughts by the sound of the shoji sliding open.
“Hello, Yoruichi.” Soifon greeted the brown-skinned woman. The name felt two syllables too short. “I knocked, but you didn’t answer. This is the correct time, right?”
Spoiler:
Ah! You see that? It’s almost like the title of the story!
“Hey Soi,” Yoruichi kissed the shorter woman, toying with one of her braids. “You never need to knock. And yes, you are as prompt as always.” She handed Soifon the fork. “Would you mind watching the fish? I’m going to slip into something more comfortable.”
Soifon walked over to the pan while Yoruichi retreated to her bedchamber. Soifon braced herself internally for what Yoruichi had in store for her.
Soifon and Yoruichi had adopted a “house rules” approach to their visits. For example, whenever Yoruichi visited Soifon, she had to keep her clothes on, and whenever Soifon visited Yoruichi, she could lounge in as little or as much clothes as she pleased.
It was one of many of Yoruichi’s habits that ran contrary to Soifon’s sensibilities. To Soifon, modesty was sexy. Soifon preferred for there to be more left to the imagination than less. The act of disrobing Yoruichi was far more sensual than anything Soifon could have imagined. But Yoruichi didn’t seem to like leaving any skin hidden to be revealed later.
Another point of contention between them, or it would be if Soifon had the courage to confront it, was Yoruichi’s sexuality. Yoruichi described herself as “bisexual,” which she explained meant that she was attracted to both sexes. To Soifon, someone to whom the thought of bedding a man was absolutely repulsive, the fact that Yoruichi would, and has, willing subjugated herself to a man’s touch was deeply troubling.
Spoiler:
This…should not be in the fic.
I’ve never been one who subscribed to the school of thought that everything in a work has to have some sort significance. Sometimes creators will put things in their works for their own amusement or as a joke. You spend a lot of time on these things and sometimes the only way to keep interests is slipping in a joke or writing a rather pointless passage. Anyone who says otherwise has never been on the creation side of things.
This, however, is a dangling plot thread that is never resolved or touched on again. It’s one thing to write an overly long and involved description just because you wanted, but you absolutely can set up a conflict that is never resolved.
I know why it’s there though. I’m one of those weird people who browse FF.net looking for fics that involve Yoruichi and Sui-Feng, not just YoruSoi stuff. In reading fics done by other fandoms, I was sometimes dismayed by the insular thinking and portrayals of the characters (now I mostly find it amusing). I didn’t want to be that guy, so making Yoruichi bisexual is a way to throw a bone to people outside the fandom. The problem with that, though, is that I’m pretty sure I’m nearly the only person who purposefully reads outside their chosen ship, so it ended up being a bone that no one really wanted.
Now, I think the whole idea of Shinigami having such strict sexual definitions is downright laughable. Think about it, these are beings that exist for millennia, much of that time spent at their physical and sexual peak. It’s insane to think that they exists in a society with such binary sexual orientations.
There were some areas where Soifon could feel her influence growing, though. In the begin of their relationship, all of their interactions centered around sex. She had been shocked at how quickly their relationship had advanced to physical intimacy.
For a while, it seem like it was the only reason that Yoruichi kept coming back to her. That wasn’t to say that Soifon didn’t enjoy her nights, and sometimes afternoons, and the occasional mornings, with Yoruichi. Every moment she spent with her Goddess was bliss, but she wanted more. So, Soifon started to wean Yoruichi off of sex, so to speak.
Spoiler:
This is something that pops up a lot in my earlier works. I had the weird obsession with Sui-Feng controlling, or taming, Yoruichi sexually. At this point, I don’t know if it was just iconoclasm on my part (Sui-Feng is so often the slave to Yoruichi’s desires) or some weird complex on my part.
They would meet, Yoruichi would make her advances, and Soifon would decline. That was how it went. Soifon had been afraid of what would happen at first, but, much to her delight, Yoruichi kept returning to her. Finally, it seemed that they no longer need sex a crisis to justify their time together.
Soifon flipped the fish in the pan, smiling faintly as she smelled the seasoning. She was surprised that Yoruichi had remembered an off-hand remark about how she liked her fish prepared. She turned her head as the shoji to Yoruichi’s room slide open.
Yoruichi was clad in a black, satin robe, tide around her waist tightly. The fabric fell around her figure very flatteringly, the only exposed skin, her collarbones. The robe was embroidered with vibrant cranes and flowers of various colors. Though she was at a distance, Soifon could tell that Yoruichi was wearing make-up, which was unusual. Her lips were a deep red and her eyelids were seductively dark.
Yoruichi walked over to Soifon, and the entire apartment was filled with a distinctive, dry click. Soifon looked down and saw that Yoruichi was wearing black, strap high-heels, her toes exposed. The added height gave her a statuesque presence.
“It looks ready.” Yoruichi commented, looking at the fish. Soifon could smell the perfume wafting offof her. “Sit down.” She motioned to the table. Soifon obliged. Yoruichi walked over and put Soifon’s portion on her plate. Soifon couldn’t help but noticed how the heels made Yoruichi’s hips sway, their click hypnotic.
Yoruichi took her own seat and took her food. She crossed her legs and the tail of the robe fell to the side, revealing the black, lace, thigh-high stocking she was wearing.
“So, how was your day?” Yoruichi asked innocently. Soifon looked across the table at Yoruichi and noticed that there were candles between them.
“Uh…the same as usual.” Soifon answered after a moment. “This is really good.” Soifon pointed to the fish.
“Thanks,” Yoruichi smiled, her head resting on her hand. “I caught it myself.”
“Really?” Soifon was amazed that she went through the trouble. “You didn’t have to…”
“I wanted to.” Yoruichi cut her off. Soifon blushed slightly. They continued their meal for a few moments in silence.
“Is it hot in here?” Yoruichi asked, fanning herself with her hand.
“I don’t think so.” Soifon answered, a little confused. “Maybe it’s the candles.”
“I think it’s the robe.” Yoruichi stood up and loosened the sash around her waist and the robe fell to the ground. Underneath, Yoruichi was a lacy black bra and matching thong under a translucent black nightie that fell to her rear and was tied around her waist with a thin cord that ended in a small puff on wither end. “Much better.” Yoruichi sighed.
Spoiler:
I should have been more self-aware with how laughably clichéd this whole situation is. I wrote this when I was still one-hundred percent sincere with my fics. If I wrote this scene now, I most certainly wouldn’t play it so straight.
The woe’s of hindsight.
Yoruichi’s heart jumped in her chest when she saw Soifon’s eyes widen and travel up and down her body, then it sunk when she saw those same eyes quickly dart away from her. Sullenly, Yoruichi took her seat.
It’s a game, a test. Soifon thought as she wrested her eyes from the immaculate form in front of her. She’s just trying to get me riled up, to lose my cool.
Why won’t she look at me!? Yoruichi screamed in her mind. Is something wrong with me?
“How are things on your end?” Soifon asked, trying to stimulate conversation.
“The elders keep trying to sell me off to the highest bidder, but I keep on find an out.” Yoruichi sighed, poking the food on her plate but not eating any.
“Good,” Soifon looked up at Yoruichi, their eyes locking. “I don’t want to lose you.” She blushed.
I’m spilling out of my top and she’s looking at my eyes? Yoruichi thought.
They finished their meal in relative silence. Soifon rose to clear the plates. Yoruichi stood up as well.
“So,” Yoruichi breathed, pinning Soifon against the table. The added height of the high-heels put her bust directly in Soifon’s face. “What do you want to do now?” She smiled seductively in a last ditch effort.
Spoiler:
I’m really bad at dinner dialogue. It’s a problem that extends into my personal life as well. When I’m eating, I’m either not talking or arguing. I make for a fantastic dinner guest.
“Uhh…” Soifon fumbled. “You cooked, so I’ll clear the dishes.” Soifon offered, knowing full well what Yoruichi was insinuating and purposefully denying her. Soifon knew how this evening was going to end, but the anticipation made everything sweeter.
“Really?” Yoruichi asked in disbelief. Soifon nodded in response, her head coming dangerously close to Yoruichi bosom. “Okay.” She whispered sadly. They both turned in opposite direction; Soifon took the plates to the sink while Yoruichi retreated to at the couch on the opposite side of the room.
Spoiler:
Yoruichi must be wearing some monster heels to get her chest all the way up to Sui-Feng’s head. That or she has shoulder-tits.
One of the things that’s always bothered me about fanworks involving Yoruichi and Sui-Feng is how much the height difference between the two has been exaggerated. There’s only 2 cm difference between them, people.
Soifon began dry the utensils when she heard the distinct sound of sniffling coming from Yoruichi’s direction. Turning, she was horrified to see Yoruichi slumped over, her elbows on her knees and head in her hands.
“Yoruichi!” Soifon raced over to her. “What’s wrong?” Soifon had known Yoruichi for almost her entire life, and she had never once seen her cry.
“What’s wrong?” Yoruichi looked up at her, her mascara running. “You don’t want me anymore!”
“What?!” Soifon was shocked by the accusation.
“We don’t have sex anymore, you can’t stand to look at me…” Yoruichi hugged herself, her shoulders rising and falling with her sobs.
“What are you talking about? We still have sex.” Soifon sat down next to the distraught woman, utterly confused.
“But not like we used to!” Yoruichi accused. “You’re tired of me, admit it!”
“How could you possibly think that?” Soifon asked.
“Why won’t you look at me?” Yoruichi asked.
“I’m looking at you now!” Soifon replied.
“Your eyes haven’t fallen below my neck all night!” Yoruichi said through tears.
“I respect you too much to leer at you.” Soifon answered truthfully.
“Look at me Soi!” Yoruichi straitened her back, pointing at her attire. “I don’t want you to respect me! I want you to fuck me!” Yoruichi slumped back down. “It’s not just tonight. Everyone else I’ve been with loved the fact that I like being naked, but you seem to hate it.” Yoruichi sobbed. “Just admit it! You done with me.”
Soifon watched Yoruichi cry with wide eyes. She literally could not believe what she was hearing.
“Yoruichi, you know that’s not true.” Soifon cooed.
“Yes it is!” Yoruichi shouted.
Spoiler:
It took me too long to figure out how to write dialogue between two people of the same gender without having to use their names. It looks bad, especially in rapid conversations like this.
“I came here tonight thinking how great it was that it’s not just about sex with us anymore.” Soifon gently wrapped an arm around the crying woman’s shoulder.
“Even in the beginning, whenever I would show up at you place naked, you would always tell me to get dressed. You never wanted to look at me.” Yoruichi leaned her head on Soifon’s shoulder.
“That’s not how it is.” Soifon comforted.
“Then how is it?” Yoruichi asked desperately. Soifon took a deep breath as she formulated her answer in her mind, cringing at how clichéd it sounded.
“Our first night together, when I undressed you, it was breath-taking.” Soifon smiled as Yoruichi seemed to calm down. “Don’t want to lose that. I don’t ever want to get used to seeing you.”
“So you’re saying I’m too pretty?” Yoruichi asked. Soifon smiled and laughed lightly.
“Not only that, but I want it to be about more than sex with us.” Soifon leaned back on the couch. “It will lose its meaning if we do it all the time.” Yoruichi nodded. Perhaps her lack of self-control in that area was the reason behind the long trail of broken hearts behind her.
“So, you’re not tired of me?” Yoruichi asked hopefully. Soifon shook her head. “And I’m in fact, too beautiful for you to handle on a regular basis?”
“If you want to put it that way…” Soifon blushed. Yoruichi laughed, and then Soifon started to laugh as well. Once the laughter died, Yoruichi excused herself and retreated to the bathroom, leaving Soifon to try, in vain, to wrap her mind around what had just happened. She returned a few moments later.
Spoiler:
This is where the seams of my earlier writing style really shows. That whole exchange felt super clunky when I wrote it and it feels even worse now.
That’s because I wrote my early fics from the outside in, so to speak. I would go into them with a core conceit, usually a scene, and I would build my fic around them. My general inexperience at the time, combined with by ass-backwards construction of the fic, made for a very awkward, on-the-nose dialogue exchange.
I hadn’t yet figured out how to properly build up to something. All I could do was write around it.
“God, feel so stupid.” Yoruichi said as she exited the bathroom, her composure restored. The tears were wiped from her face and the make-up was removed. “I’m sorry I put you through that. It’s just that, you’re so different from everyone else that I’ve been with that I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“It’s okay.” Soifon assured her. “I’m just glad we got things sorted out.” Soifon felt her pulse rate quicken as she let her mind absorb just what exactly Yoruichi was wearing.
“You know,” Soifon began as she stood up. “Just because I said I want us to be about more than just sex doesn’t mean that we can’t ever…do…it.” Soifon ended awkwardly ash she blushed.
“I love it when you awkwardly talk dirty to me.” Yoruichi purred. Taking Soifon by the hands, Yoruichi began to slowly lead Soifon to her bed. Raising one of her calves, Yoruichi started to unhook the straps of one of her high-heels.
“No, leave them.” Soifon grabbed her hand. “I like the shoes.”
Spoiler:
And in the end Yoruichi gets her sex and Sui-Feng gets her to keep some of her close on. Everyone wins?
Last edited by SoldierG65434-2 on Mon Apr 16, 2012 10:03 pm; edited 3 times in total
Mr Khan Hollow
Posts : 96 Join date : 2012-02-01 Location : Source of the Sun
Hell, i still have a little trouble with the problem of pronouns, given that my current hang-up is YoruSoi and most of my smut is Yuri. You're basically forced to keep mentioning N-1 women by name, with the Nth girl getting the privilege of a pronoun in any given situation
SoldierG65434-2 H-H-Hacker
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-05-06 Location : Citadel Station
There are ways around it. If you write it correctly, you shouldn't need to identify the speaker at all, really. Most dialogue is back-and-forth, so identifying the speaker is usually redundant. So long as you make sure to break your paragraphs properly, you shouldn't get bogged down with having to name names.
You can also do things like establish what they are doing while they are talking, so you can have them further that action as a way of identifying who's saying what.
PolarisAmane Writing Monster
Posts : 290 Join date : 2010-05-06 Age : 109 Location : Paradise Island
Subject: Re: SoldierG65434-2 Fic Commentaries Sun Mar 25, 2012 8:07 am
That made for an interesting read. Question - did you find yourself cringing when you reread it? Whenever I reread my fics, especially the early chapters of Redemption, I cringe. Man, some of them are so bad and I'm often left wondering "what the hell was i thinking?!"
Are you going to do more? I'd quite like to see a commentary on Going once, Going Twice, SOLD! It's probably one of my favourites of yours. And I'd say also for Fishscale but I'm afriad that it would be ruined by being analysed.
SoldierG65434-2 H-H-Hacker
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-05-06 Location : Citadel Station
Subject: Re: SoldierG65434-2 Fic Commentaries Sun Mar 25, 2012 10:59 am
PolarisAmane wrote:
That made for an interesting read. Question - did you find yourself cringing when you reread it? Whenever I reread my fics, especially the early chapters of Redemption, I cringe. Man, some of them are so bad and I'm often left wondering "what the hell was i thinking?!"
I don't cringe so much as sigh and think "Man, I could have done that so much better." There are a few times where I end up cringing though. There's some really janky shit in some of my earlier fics.
PolarisAmane wrote:
Are you going to do more? I'd quite like to see a commentary on Going once, Going Twice, SOLD! It's probably one of my favourites of yours. And I'd say also for Fishscale but I'm afriad that it would be ruined by being analysed.
I'm doing these on-demand, so I don't really have any plans of my own. I'll start on Going Once... (bit suprised to hear that it's a favorite of yours) today and probably post it tomorrow. I'll leave the final call for Fishscale up to you.
Mr Khan Hollow
Posts : 96 Join date : 2012-02-01 Location : Source of the Sun
Subject: Re: SoldierG65434-2 Fic Commentaries Sun Mar 25, 2012 11:21 am
I'll chuck in a request for "Going Once," though i'd rather that lead into one on "The Dating Game." Those two along with Dr. Urahara and "The Good Times Are Killing Me" are likely my favorites of yours.
SoldierG65434-2 H-H-Hacker
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-05-06 Location : Citadel Station
Subject: Re: SoldierG65434-2 Fic Commentaries Sun Mar 25, 2012 11:27 am
Mr Khan wrote:
I'll chuck in a request for "Going Once," though i'd rather that lead into one on "The Dating Game." Those two along with Dr. Urahara and "The Good Times Are Killing Me" are likely my favorites of yours.
Wow, a lot of love for Going Once.... I'm surprised. I'll do The Dating Game afterwards, so it'll be a few days before that goes up. And if you'd like me to do any particular chapters from either Good Times... and Dr Urahara feel free to post them. I'm not doing the whole thing though. At least not all at once.
I got sidetracked so it took me a little longer than I initially though, but here it is. I also just want to update the OP, but there's apparently a word limit.
So the names a tad blunt-force trauma, but at least it’s accurate. I don’t have to sit here and explain some tangential hip-hop reference for you to understand why I chose this title. This was either a request from siytentista, or she wanted to hash the idea out with me but eventually just gave it to me, I don’t remember. Point is that she’s the progenitor. Really, most of my best stuff wasn’t even my idea to begin with. Most of them were other people’s ideas, I just did the leg work.
On the whole, this fic (and its sequel) were more in line with how I originally envisioned my fics; rather lengthy with multiple concurrent plots. It’s closer to a short story than anything. I don’t know what happened along the way that makes these the exception. My average update is only around 2,200 words. This clocks in at over 6,000.
Soifon sat in her usual set in the corner of the Shinigami Women’s Association meeting room, observing the scene around her.
Unohana sat talking tranquilly with Mayuri’s Frankenstein daughter Nemu. The idea that Nemu was an artificial life form was unsettling to Soifon, and to most people.
Spoiler:
I look forward to the part in Bleach where Mayuri chases Nemu through the Arctic after she’s strangled everyone he holds dear to him.
At the other end of the table, Matsumoto sat talking cheerfully to Isane. The busty woman was obviously saying something that was making the timid medic uncomfortable, since her checks were red. Knowing Matsumoto, she was either talking about something crude or breasts.
Spoiler:
I probably don’t give Matsumoto the credit she deserves. I’ve certainly played up the ditzy party girl persona and have all but forsaken all the other facets of her personality. I don’t really care enough about, or for, her to bother to make a concentrated effort to rectify this.
Behind the podium, Nanao and Yachiru were arguing, probably about the budget. Soifon learned long ago that things like logic and reason were wasted on the pink-haired little girl who lived by her impulses. Yet Nanao still persisted.
Spoiler:
This whole introduction feels a tad pointless to me now. None of the characters are doing anything particularly interesting or noteworthy. They are just there. I could have just started below and now have really lost anything of value. I can’t even justify this as being a way to introduce the characters since I do so little in explaining them that prior knowledge is mandatory to understand any of it.
“Ahem, attention,” Nanao took her place behind the podium, apparently done arguing with Yachiru. Even though Nanao was only the Vice president of the Women’s Association, she almost always ran the monthly meeting, due to her superior administrative abilities. “I would like to call this meeting of the Shinigami Women’s Association to order.” Nanao banged a small gavel on her podium. “Today, we will be finalizing the plans for the fundraising auction that we have been planning.”
Yachiru, the president of the Women’s Association, had a habit of using the monthly budget they were given by the Sereitei to by toys and candy. If the Association wanted to do anything, be it lobby for better facilities or take a trip, they had to hold fundraisers and put the money they earned in an account that Yachiru couldn’t touch.
Spoiler:
Because who doesn’t like finances in their funny yuri?
They had tried several in the past. They started out simple, with bake sales and yard sales. Then they decided to hold a talent contest. After that, they decided on the disastrous calendar shoot that resulted in a very embarrassing encounter between Soifon and Yoruichi that the former desperately wanted to forget and remember.
Spoiler:
Which is really weird considering that what she wants to remember is basically being sexually assaulted while someone watches.
This time, they were going to try something unique. Matsumoto proposed the idea that the Women’s Association auction off a date with one of the members. They hadn’t decided on a member yet.
Spoiler:
I’m finding my sentence structure in this fic to be rather bizarre. Not exactly incorrect, but certainly inelegant.
“I have the results of the surveys that I had Nemu and the Department of Research and Development distribute among all the Divisions.” Nanao shuffled some papers on her desk. The surveys were questionnaires about the different members of the Association, excluding Yachiru. They wanted to know the demographics so that they could auction off the member that would net the highest bids.
“It appears that Soifon-taicho’s company is in the highest demand, and by quite a large margin at that.” Nanao readjusted her glasses.
“What?!” Matsumoto and Soifon shouted in unison.
“What do you mean? Why?” Soifon scowled. She hadn’t been serious when she offered her name to be submitted. She was using the survey as an intelligence gathering tool. She wanted to know what people thought of her.
Spoiler:
You should probably get used to hearing this; I kind of wish I hadn’t played this so straight and gone for more of an insecure route. But then that would have drastically changed the overall tone of the fic and Sui-Feng’s characterization.
“Let’s see,” Nanao shuffled some papers. “The most popular reason was your heritage. Your exotic and a lot of men find that attractive.” Nanao continued down the list of responses. “Then there are the men who think your cold exterior hides a “nougaty center,” as one man put it. Then there are the men who think that you’re angry because you’re lonely and want to rescue you.” Soifon scoffed at the last one.
Spoiler:
I contend that rescue fantasies are 90% of the reason Harrible is so popular. The other 10% is boobs.
She was alone by choice, not because a man hadn’t swooped in to save her. What were they even rescuing her from? A life without a blundering Neanderthal constantly interfering with her affairs? She was forced to interact with Omeada, that was enough.
“She’s also were powerful, both physically and politically, and that’s…” Nanao squinted to read the sloppy writing on the paper, “really freaking hot…to some people.”
Spoiler:
An interesting thing that often gets overlooked when discussing Sui-Feng is her political power. Realistically speaking, she’s the second most powerful Shinigami, next to Yamamoto, being the Commander of the Onmitsudikido which has jurisdiction over all Shinigami. However, if she has brute force to back that up is another matter.
I’ve always wanted to write, or co-author, a fic where Sui-Feng steps in as the temporary Sotaicho after Yamamoto’s death. I feel like there’s a lot of interesting ways to explore her and her relationships in that.
“There are also a disturbingly high number of men with bondage and submission fetishes, and they feel that you would be the most obliging in that area.” Nanao readjusted her glasses, blushing. “There are also a disturbingly high number of men who are willing to admit that in writing.”
Spoiler:
I swear I’m the only person on the internet who thinks Sui-Feng’s a top, let alone a Dom. My reasoning for her at least topping Yoruichi is sound though. It all has to do with Yoruichi’s cat-ness.
Few things piss me off more than when authors, regardless of fandom, use Yoruichi’s catlike characteristics as a reason for her being dominant in bed. That’s not how it fucking works with cats! A female cat in heat walks around calling out to any male cats in the area literally begging them to fuck it. They’ll even randomly assume the mating position. They don’t become the apex sexual predator, they become the exact opposite.
When someone tries to use that as a reason, it’s fucking infuriating. They posted this on the internet, so that means at least for some time they had to have access to the most complete accumulation of human knowledge and experience that man has ever assembled. They couldn’t take a few seconds to even at least look at the motherfucking Wikipidia article? If you don’t care enough about your fic to do the base level of research about something you apparently care enough about to write for, then why the hell should I give it my time?
Just typing that up made me physically angry. That’s probably less than healthy.
“What about me?” Matsumoto pointed at herself. “What did they say about me?” She had though she would have won by a landslide. She had been shopping for outfits for the date all week.
“Almost everyone said that they felt that they wouldn’t have to try to hard with you.” Nanao answered flatly.
Spoiler:
Boosh
“Most people think me and Kyoraku-taicho are a couple, Isane is too timid, most people are afraid to go anywhere near anything with the last name Kurotsuchi, and Unohana-taicho is reminds people of their mothers.” Nanao finished reading the results of the survey.
Spoiler:
I really don’t like Kyoraku/Nanao. I find it insanely creepy in light of TBtP. Almost as creepy as Nel. I’m sorry but I’m not okay with a character that vacillates between a toddler and a sexy lady depending upon her emotional state.
“So, it looks like we will be offering an evening with Soifon-taicho to the highest bidder next week.” Nanao concluded.
“Wait…I didn’t…” Matsumoto cut Soifon off.
“Relax, I’ll help you get ready.” Matsumoto said cheerfully. While losing to someone as frosty as Soifon was a blow to the ego, the prospect of a make-over was enough to cheer her back up.
Gritting her teeth, Soifon slumped in her chair in defeat. She had entered her name by choice, she just hadn’t expected to win, so to speak, and she wasn’t about to go back on her word.
Spoiler:
People really need to play around with Sui-Feng’s sense of duty getting her into binds more often.
This was for the good of female Shinigami, and it’s not like she hasn’t endured far worse. How bad could a date with a strange who most likely wanted her to stomp on his testicles be anyway?
Spoiler:
I still kind of like that line, typo aside.
***
Spoiler:
The fucking asterisks. This is how I used to signify a scene break until Fanfiction.net decided to stop recognizing it. I don’t know how you fuck up a text field so bad that it straight up removes something that it used to read, but I had to go through all my fic, every single goddman chapter, and re-upload them with new breaks. If ff.net steals them then I’m abandoning the site.
A golden-eyed black cat lay curled up under a shade tree, lazily passing the afternoon. Her eyes scanned the passerby’s on the sidewalk, observing their behavior.
Yoruichi had always found people-watching infinitely fascinating, and her ability of shape-shift gave her an added advantage in the activity. A person would alter their behavior if they knew a person sitting on a bench could see them, but no one cared what a cat thought. She could spend hours watching the strange rituals of humans.
Spoiler:
Which reminds me, someone also really needs to write a Yoruichi/Urahara fic based around Schrödinger's cat.
Yoruichi was snapped out of her observations by the sound of a Shinigami appearing above her. He didn’t seem to notice that the cat he hovered above was actually a former captain, so Yoruichi remained still. Shinigami were constantly coming in and out of Karakura, so it was not an unusual occurrence. A few minutes later, another Shinigami appeared.
“Hey,” One of them, a male, greeted the other.
“What’s up,” The other, also a man, returned the greeting.
“Not much, not much…” The first answered. They talked business for a while, discussing what was happening with the preparations for the upcoming battle in winter. Most of the information Yoruichi already knew, so she simply tuned them out and went back to a frazzled mother trying to appease a crying child.
“Did you hear about what’s happening with Soifon-taicho?” The first man asked. Yoruichi’s ears instantly perked up, completely focused on the two Shinigami above her.
“Those broads in the Women’s Association are finally doing something right for a change. They’re holding an auction next week for a date with Soifon-taicho.” The man ended excitedly.
“Who would be stupid enough to…” The second man started.
“Are you kidding? I’m putting in all my savings!” The second man interjected.
“Why?” The first man sounded horrified.
“Have you seen the way she moves? Can you imagine what she would be like in the sack?” The second man exclaimed.
“Yeah, I can.” The first man laughed. “Afterwards, she’d probably devour your head because she no longer has a use for you.” The first man said sarcastically, referencing the mating habits of the praying mantis.
Spoiler:
Goddamn this is clunky. I could have at least given them names, or identifying characteristics.
“As long as she devours my other head first, if you know what I mean!” The second laughed heartily. Yoruichi felt an irrational rage built up inside her as she heard the men talk out Soifon. Hearing that man talk about having sex with Soifon, for money at that, made her want to literally claw his eyes out. Not that Yoruichi had any right to feel that way. That was even more infuriating.
Yoruichi’s and Soifon’s relationship was complicated at its most simple points. Born a master and servant, Soifon had been indoctrinated from her youth that Yoruichi was something otherworldly, someone who should be revered, honored, and feared. She had been told that she was unworthy to even be in the same room as Yoruichi and every moment they spent together was an honor and a blessing that should be later repaid with her life, if necessary.
Yoruichi had done her best to break down that cult of personality while she was still the Captain of the Second, and she had a little success. She succeeded in getting Soifon the caller her “sama” rather than the other, more official titles that she wanted to use. While Soifon would have never admitted it to herself, the eventually became friends. When Yoruichi wasn’t with Urahara, she was with Soifon.
As time progressed, Yoruichi developed something of a crush on her timid, tom-boy subordinate. She hadn’t acted on her feelings for several reasons. The rank and class difference would have just made things complicated. Soifon would have probably refused because of protocol. Yoruichi didn’t even know if Soifon was interested in girls. Yoruichi didn’t even know if she was really interested in girls. At the time, they were only teenagers; they weren’t ready for a real relationship.
The most crippling impediment, however, was Yoruichi’s fear of rejection. While most people perceived Yoruichi as cold and almost unfeeling, the truth was that she kept her emotions buried because she actually felt very deeply.
Spoiler:
Bleh, plot convenience. There would be no story if Yoruichi didn’t have feelings for Sui-Feng, but I can’t spend the whole story establishing why she does. I should have just skipped to the last paragraph about her fear of rejection since that’s the only one that really matters.
After returning from her exile and seeing the woman that Soifon had become, Yoruichi was finding it more difficult to deny her feelings. But the fear of rejection was multiplied ten-fold because not only and she hurt Soifon deeply by abandoning her, as she saw it, but the Soifon that Yoruichi had returned to was almost a complete different person. After everything with Aizen came into light, Soifon was forgiving. Still angry, but understanding. That didn’t change the fact the Soifon had changed so much in a century. Yoruichi had changed too, but hers were not as drastic as Soifon’s.
The past was the past and could not be changed. Amended, but not changed. However, the future was not without hope.
A week, Yoruichi thought as she stretched. That’s not a lot of time…
***
Matsumoto poked her head out from behind the curtain that concealed the stage. Behind her was an easel with a pad of paper, a single seat, and a podium. The seats in the auditorium were quickly filling up with eager men.
“Wow, looks like it’s going to be a full house.” Matsumoto said in disbelief.
“Are you serious?” Soifon took a peak as well. The part of her that had thought that the survey answers had been a joke was silence by the vast number of men taking their seats before her.
“It’s almost time to get started.” Nanao clapped her hands. “Everyone, take your places.” Matsumoto stood next to the easel and Isane stood behind the podium.
“What do I do?” Soifon asked, afraid of the answer.
“All you need to do is sit there,” Nanao pointed to the chair, “and try not to look like you’re going to maul the winner.” Begrudgingly, Soifon took a seat.
Spoiler:
I wish I had gone the route of Sui-Feng trying to awkwardly work the crowd, but again that would have necessitate existential changes to the core of this fic.
***
Yoruichi leaned against one of the dark corners of the lobby of the auditorium, scanning the men entering the hall for the perfect candidate. In front of the main entrance, Nemu stood holding a large box of paddles, each with a different number. Some men took one, others did not.
Yoruichi needed someone, safe, someone unassuming. She needed to pick someone who Soifon couldn’t take seriously as a potential suitor. They also needed to be unconnected with her. The more of a strange he was, and the less likely he would be to actually try and purse her, the better the odds of Soifon opening up to them and revealing useful information.
Spoiler:
As if she would take any of them seriously anyway? This is also the second time I’ve mis -spelt “streanger” as “strange.”
After about ten minutes of waiting, Yoruichi spotted him. He was young, probably just out of the academy, maybe a year or two of service. The standard Shinigami uniform told Yoruichi that he was in neither the Second nor the Onmitsukido. He was rather short and a bit scrawny, with shaggy brown hair. To top it all off, he wore glasses. Not the stylish kind that Nanao Ise wore, but the thick, corrective kind.
Spoiler:
I really don’t like using OCs unless I absolutely have to. Issues of author-insterts aside, they’re just fundamentally not why you come to fanfiction. At least I seem to be doing them right, since both Rei and Hitoshi are and were well received.
“Hey, you!” Yoruichi called out to the boy. It was an odd phenomenon when someone called out anonymously into a crown. No matter what the odds, the intended target always seemed to know they were being hailed.
The boy looked around in disbelief for a few moments before realizing that the woman in the corner had called to him. Yoruichi waved him over.
“S…Shihoin-dono!?” The boy said in surprise when he got close enough to realize who had called him.
Spoiler:
Kubo really needs to make it clear what Yoruichi’s status is, especially in light of some of the Vizards being reinstated.
“Shhh,” Yoruichi hushed him. “And just Yoruichi will do. What’s your name?”
“Hitoshi Nakamura, ma’am.” Hitoshi saluted.
Spoiler:
I also hate naming OCs.
“I told you to relax.” Yoruichi chided, a little annoyed. ‘So, Hitoshi, come to try and win yourself a date with Soifon?” It had been difficult for Yoruichi to contain herself as she listened to the lewd and lascivious conversations of the bidders as they passed by.
“Oh no, no.” Hitoshi shock his head. “I just came here for the spectacle.”
“That’s a shame,” Yoruichi sighed. “There are plenty of people who would kill for an evening with her.”
“Well,” Hitoshi said thoughtfully, “She is a pretty lady. I can see why.”
“Listen,” Yoruichi took him under her arm. ‘I want you to win that date.” She poked him in the chest.
“What? Why?” Hitoshi asked.
“That’s not important right now.” Yoruichi explained.
“But how?” Hitoshi asked. “There are tons more people here with loads more money than I have.”
“I’ll fit the bill.” Yoruichi explained.
“Why are you doing this? How do I know that I can trust you?” Hitoshi asked.
“I give you my word as the current head of the Shihoin Clan.” Yoruichi put her hand over her heart. “I’ll explain everything latter. Right now, all you have to do is go win that date. I don’t care how high the bidding goes, just win it!” With that, Yoruichi shoved the boy towards Nemu. Cautiously, he grabbed a paddle and looked for a seat.
***
The three women watched as the curtain rose in front of them.
“Good afternoon, boys.” Matsumoto greeted the crowd flirtatiously. “As you all know, we are holding an auction today for a lovely evening with the Captain of the Second Division and the Commander-in-Chief of the Onmitsukido, Soifon.” Matsumoto motioned to Soifon as if she were a prize on a game show. There was a deafening cheer from the crowd.
“Settle down,” Matsumoto calmed the crowed. “Before we get started, I’m going to outline just what you should expect on you date.” Matsumoto lifted up the first, blank sheet on the easel. “You’ll start with dinner at Niyotte Gatsu Raito.” Matsumoto flipped the page. “Then, an after dinner activity of mutual consent.” The words “mutual consent” were underlined. There were jeers from the crowd. “And last, and the end, a good night kiss.” This was met with a pandemonium of cheers and shouts. Soifon could even make out cat-calls over the din.
This was exactly why she hated men. When presented with the prospect of sex, no matter how comically slim those chances were, they completely forget what it was to be human. They became animals hell bent on one thing. Soifon could guarantee that none of the men in the crowd would be acting this way if it wasn’t for the fact that one of them would be “buying” her for an evening.
Spoiler:
It’s unfortunate that I played into the misandrist lesbian stereotype with Sui-Feng, but at the very least it is at least justified by the plot since the story revolved around men literally trying to buy her, unlike Yoruichi’s bisexuality in Brown Skin Lady which was unprovoked and ultimately completely fucking pointless.
If only they had opened the bidding up to women, Soifon shook her head. Maybe then I would have a chance of getting some pleasure out of the evening.
No human, not matter what they preached and professed, was fully in control of their baser instincts. While Soifon’s heart belonged fully and completely to Yoruichi, her body wasn’t so discriminating. That wasn’t to say that she would ever cheat on Yoruichi, should they ever end up together through some bizarre set of circumstances. Why would she? There was no woman that even came close to a fraction of her beauty. It was just that Soifon wasn’t willing to burn herself out on a fools hope. Until the day that Yoruichi returned her feeling, which would also be the same day that pigs started flying and Omeada actually became component, the lesser women that Soifon bedded would have to suffice.
Spoiler:
I also seem to be one of the only people who thinks that Sui-Feng is capable of having a sex life outside of Yoruichi.
“We will start the bidding at 75,000 kan.” Isane banged a gavel, signaling the start of the auction. Immediately, hundreds of paddles flew into the air. “Do I hear 100,000?” Isane asked, her words quite and measured, very unlike an auctioneer. About half of the hands fell with disappointed groans.
Spoiler:
It bothers me that Kubo established a currency for the SS but didn’t give us an exchange rate for reference. Are we just supposed to assume that kan are roughly equivalent to yen? That’s what I did here, I think. Also, the idea of Isane as an auctioneer is still kind of funny to me.
“Do I hear 125,000?” Isane raised the bid. Again, roughly half the hands fell. Hitoshi sat with the paddle in his lap, too afraid to bid, lest he be assaulted by some of the stronger, rowdier men. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught Yoruichi in the corner of the room with her arm raised and flailing in the air. She was pointing at him with her free hand. Cautiously, he raised her paddle.
“Do I hear 150,000?” Isane raised the stakes yet again. This time, about three fourths of the hands fell. Suddenly, a large, boorish man with two short braids stood up from his seat and punched the man next to him, who had been holding his paddle up.
Spoiler:
It’s Tatsafusa.
“300,000!” The man exclaimed confidently. The entire group of men groaned loudly. Curses and jeers were shouted at him.
“300,000?! Isane exclaimed in disbelief. That was more that the Women’s Association’s budget. She looked to Matsumoto, who signaled her to keep going. “Do I hear 325,000?” The man crossed his arms and smirked confidently. Hitoshi looked to Yoruichi, who was shaking her head feverishly. Fearfully, he raised his paddle.
“325,000,” Isane pointed to Hitoshi. The man in the back let out a cry of anguish and began to throw chars around, screaming. “Do I hear 350,000?” No one raised their paddle. The man with the braids continued to carry on. “325,000 going once,” Still no one challenged, “Twice,” none still, “Sold!” Isane banged the gavel.
Spoiler:
Ah! It’s kind of like the title!
Soifon sat in her chair on the stage, glaring daggers at the boy who had won the auction, hoping that it would deter him. It didn’t, unfortunately. Soifon’s weakness was duty. If she perceived it as her duty, she would go through with it, no matter what. If an evening of awkward dinner conversation and a good night kiss would help female Shinigami, then she could endure.
In the dark corn, Yoruichi smiled triumphantly.
Phase one is a success…
***
“Thanks for letting us use your house as a base of operations, Kukaku.” Urahara said as he unloaded the last of the bags that he had been shuttling from his shop. “I would have used my shop, but the whole different-plane-of-existence thing would have made it extraordinarily difficult.”
Spoiler:
I still find it bizarre how favorable I’ve portrayed Urahara over the years (Christ…), given how I actually think his character is.
“Yeah, yeah,” Kukaku waved off the gratitude. “Just don’t break anything.” Kukaku looked to the boy who was standing close to Yoruichi, looking scared. “Who’s the kid?”
“This is Hitoshi, the star of the evening.” Yoruichi pushed the boy forward to greet the busty woman. He was currently wearing a kimono, in preparation for the evening.
“Hello, ma’am.” Hitoshi bowed.
“Don’t touch anything.” Kukaku said before she left. Urahara walked over to the workbench that he set up on one of Kukaku’s spare rooms. On it was a television, a VCR, and a tape recorder. Urahara sat down behind the television.
Spoiler:
The pricklier the Kukaku, the better
“Did you read over the questions I gave you?” Yoruichi turned to Hitoshi as Urahara tinkered with some wires.
“Yes,” Hitoshi nodded.
“Remember, ease them into conversation. Don’t just ask them outright.” Yoruichi explained. After Yoruichi finished fixing his hair, Urahara called him over.
“This,” Urahara held up a tiny, black device. “Is a microphone.” He clipped it into the interior of the kimono. “It transmits directly to us, so you don’t have to worry about having a recorder strapped to you.” He turned it on and put on a set of headphones.
“Say something.” Urahara beckoned.
“Uhhhh…test?” Hitoshi spoke at his regular speaking level. Urahara gave him a thumbs up.
“And Yoruichi…” Urahara looked to his friend.
“Something.” Yoruichi said flatly, standing a few feet away.
“Cute,” Urahara said sarcastically. “Everything is working fine. There’s one more thing I have to give you.” Urahara took out a pair of glasses and handed them to Hitoshi, who eyed the curiously. “Don’t worry, their your prescription.” Hitoshi put them on, and Urahara pressed a button on them. Turning around, he turned the television on. On the screen was everything that Hitoshi was seeing.
“Wow,” Hitoshi looked at the screen. “That’s pretty neat.”
“We all set?” Yoruichi asked impatiently.
“I believe so. “ Urahara turned around to Hitoshi. “Go get ‘em, tiger.” He said encouragingly.
“Remember,” Yoruichi took him by the shoulder. “If, by some fluke, you get found out, immediately tell her what’s going on. I don’t want you getting killed because she thinks you’re a spy.” Hitoshi palled.
“B..but I am a spy!” Hitoshi gulped.
“Yeah, but not the bad kind.” Yoruichi said as she shoved him out of the door. Yoruichi watched him exit with a tinge of disappointment.
For once in Yoruichi’s life, she was totally out of her element. She hadn’t had a normal childhood with school yard crushes and dates. She had attended a few gift giving ceremonies that were part of her various betrothals, but that was about the extent of the romantic experience. As a result, Yoruichi was approaching this situation as she did combat; gather intelligence on your enemy and use that information to maneuver yourself into the most advantageous position.
Spoiler:
Socially-inept Yoruichi is my favorite kind. It gives her some much-needed humanity over being this hyper-competent sex goddess.
***
Matsumoto entered Soifon’s quarters with a large box of make-up in her arms.
“You do realize that you’re a soldier?” Soifon asked as Matsumoto slammed the box down Soifon’s desk.
“But that doesn’t meant I can’t look good.” Matsumoto pushed Soifon down into a chair. She was already wearing a blue cheongsam with golden designs and slits that ran mid thigh on either side that allowed her legs movement. Matsumoto began to apply make-up to Soifon’s face.
“No, here are some guidelines for your evening.” Nanao said as she paced back and forth. “No threats, no physical violence, no verbal abuse, no disappearing half-way through the night….”
“Purse you lips,” Matsumoto said to Soifon. She applied some lip-stick.
“It’s a date,” Nanao concluded. “Not a scowl. Try to be personable. Hold up your end of the conversation. Answer question. If you do not entertain you date adequately, he may withdraw his funds.”
“Don’t worry,” Soifon reassured as Matsumoto applied eyeliner. “This is for the good of the Association. I think I can endure.” Soifon was approaching the situation in much the same way one thing about taking medicine; a necessary evil. Matsumoto padded Soifon’s checks with some rouge.
“And if you put out, we might get a little extra!’ Matsumoto contributed. Her suggestion was met with disapproving scowls. “What, I’m just saying.” She shrugged as she prayed Soifon with some perfume.
“Apart from that,” Nanao flipped through her notes. “There really isn’t anything else for me to tell you.”
“There, all done.” Matsumoto smiled approvingly and turned back to the box. She hadn’t touched Soifon’s hair, save for brushing out a few knots. Her hear was her trademark. “You really should wear make-up more often.” She said as she rummaged through the box. She turned around holding two pairs of blue high heels; one with open toes and one with closed. “Which ones?”
“Neither.” Soifon responded coldly. “What’s wrong with the shoes I’m wearing now?” She was still wearing her standard shoes.
“Nothing, if you plan of kicking people in the head.” Matsumoto replied.
“But what happens if an emergency occurs? I can’t run in those.” Soifon reasoned.
Spoiler:
This is the same reasoning I use when I wear boots nearly every day.
“What happens if you run into the kraken? Where’s your harpoon?” Matsumoto mocked. “It’s a date, you’re not going to be fighting anyone, that’s why you’re not taking your zanpakuto. If you absolutely have to run, just kick the off.” Sighing in defeat, Soifon chose the ones with the closed toes.
***
Yoruichi and Urahara watched the television as Hitoshi approached the door to Soifon’s quarters. The boy kept a surprisingly steady head, which they were both thankful for. They watched as Hitoshi raised his hand and knocked on the door.
Spoiler:
Give that compliment to someone if you want to confuse and creep them out. “You’ve got a steady head.”
“I suppose I should start theses now.” Urahara pressed a button on the tape recorder and the VCR. The headphones had been removed from the tape recorder and the sound was running through speakers. Slowly, Soifon’s door opened and Yoruichi’s jaw nearly hit the floor.
Soifon was wearing a tight, blue dress that a person usually identified as Chinese, with gold trim and intricate golden designs. The cut of the dress was very flattering. Soifon wasn’t the curviest woman, but her perorations were perfect for her size. She was slender and athletic, so it made sense that her breasts would be small but pert. Yoruichi did not expect, however, for Soifon to have such a nice butt, when it wasn’t obstructed by her baggy uniform. She also seemed taller, but the clicking sound they heard as she moved her feet revealed that she was wearing high heels.
Spoiler:
If I didn’t nearly constantly take the piss out of myself and fanfiction, my constantly going on about Sui-Feng’s butt would probably be rather creepy at this point.
Here’s the weird part about my fixation though. I ‘m typing this out while simultaneously watching a Street Fighter x Tekken stream and I realized something for the first time. You know who else is a military woman who wears her hear in twin-braids, has a fondness for cats, and is also known for her butt? Cammy (Those were all official artwork from Capcom, by the way). Somewhere along the line, my vision of Sui-Feng’s physique basically became Cammy, which becomes even weirder when you consider that I’m not even a Street Fighter fan! (I would explain why, but doing so would require breaking down the games mechanics, balance, and meter management metagame and let’s be honest, you don’t care)
Cammy’s code name in Alpha 3 was “Killer Bee!” AHHHHHHHHHHH!
What was most surprising, however, was that she was wearing make-up. It looked to be expertly applied, so she probably didn’t do it, or at least Yoruichi couldn’t imagine that she did. Her eyes were sensually dark and her lips were a deep red. Her checks also had more color to them.
“Wow,” Urahara said, a little surprised. “She cleans up good.” He finished approvingly.
“What do you mean cleans up?” Yoruichi never took her eyes of the television. ‘She looked good before.”
“Ehh,” Urahara shrugged. “I wasn’t feeling the whole butch vibe she had.”
“Just because she a strong woman who dresses practically doesn’t make her butch!’ Yoruichi defended.
“Whatever,” Urahara shrugged, “One of you has to be the guy.” Yoruichi shook her head dismissively.
Spoiler:
Casually stereotyping is always fun.
***
“Uhhh…Uhhh,” Hitoshi was dumbstruck by the woman before him.
“Let’s go,” Soifon began to walk down the hall. “The sooner we get started, the sooner we’ll be finished.” Hitoshi snapped out of his daze and followed behind her. Soifon continued to walk confidently forward, unaware that both Hitoshi’s and Yoruichi’s eyes were affixed firmly to her rear.
Spoiler:
Seriously, as soon as this goes up I’m throwing in SSF4AE and am going to try and learn Cammy.
“Hmm,” Hitoshi finally broke his eyes away and began to look around. There was nobody in sight.
“What?” Soifon asked, not looking back.
“I just expected there to be throngs of people watching us.” Hitoshi answered.
“I have the Onmitsukido guarding the perimeter and have threatened them with pain of death to ensure that I depart and return in privacy.” Soifon smirked a little. Hitoshi paled.
It suddenly dawned on him just how much potential danger he was in. Just looking at Soifon’s exposed arms told him just how strong she was, regardless of her rank. And now, she just demonstrated that she had the power to stifle curiosity.
The two of them wasted no time reaching Niyotte Gatsu Rait. A reservation had already been made, so they were seated immediately. The interior was decorated to amplify the atmosphere. The lighting was low, with the only light coming from lanterns hanging from the ceiling. The entire restaurant was decorated with expensive artifacts and pieces of art.
Spoiler:
This is the same restaurant I used in Rubber Traits, because I’m lazy.
“What will you be having his evening, ma’am?” The waiter came up to them almost as soon as they were seated.
“Sushi and oolong.” Soifon replied after a brief glance over the menu.
“I’ll have…uhhh.” Hitoshi hesitated. “shiromuno and water.” The both handed the waiter their menus. The sat in silence until their food was delivered.
“Tell me boy,” That was what Hitoshi was to Soifon, “What possessed you to spend so much money on an evening with me?” Soifon asked dafter she took a bit from her food.
“Well…” Hitoshi searched his brain for his rehearsed answer. “The Women’s Association needed the money, and I thought you might enjoy my company over some of the other people.”
“How very altruistic.” Soifon replied, a bit sarcastically.
“But it’s not just that,” Hitoshi continued. “You’re a fascinating person, and I hoped that I might get to know a little more about you.”
Spoiler:
Two things you can expect out of a SoldierG65434-2 fic; Unohana and motherfucking dinner conversations.
***
“Tell him to move his head.” Yoruichi demanded of Urahara. Whether it was deliberately or accidently, the camera lens was centered right on Soifon’s bust as they ate. “Tell him to move his head!” She shouted.
Spoiler:
Yourichi always struck me as the jealous type. Don’t know why.
“I can’t.” Urahara held up his hands defensively. “We can’t communicate with him.”
“Why not?!” Yoruichi demanded.
“This is why!” Urahara replied. “You’d be screaming at him the whole time not to look at her!”
“Alright, I hear shouting.” Kukaku threw open the door to her spare room. “What’s going on here?”
“Spy camera theater,” Urahara answered casually. “Care to join us?” Kukaku shrugged and walked over.
“So, what am I watching, exactly?” Kukaku asked.
“You see,” Urahara took the liberty of explaining the situation. “Yoruichi here is crushing on our friend Soifon, so rather than actually talking to her like a well adjusted person would, she’s using that boy you saw earlier as a mole to pump her for information.”
Spoiler:
It bothers me when people assume Sui-Feng and Kukaku are friends. They probably wouldn’t get along at all. And I really hate Sui/Kukaku.
“Holy hell, woman!” Kukaku exclaimed, turning to Yoruichi. “Could you have possibly thought of a more elaborate plan to get into Soifon’s pants?”
“I could have asked him to come up with one.” Yoruichi pointed to Urahara.
“It’s true,” Urahara agreed. “My plan would have involved a net gun and some kind of flying machine.”
Spoiler:
***
“I would like to know more about you, first.” Soifon replied. “I’m not comfortable divulging personal information to a stranger.” She didn’t want to divulge any information period, but it was for the Association.
“Well,” Hitoshi spooned at his soup. “My dad was a Shinigami, and my grandfather, so on. Soul reaping is in my blood.” Hitoshi said proudly.
“Where did a boy from a family of soldiers get so much money?” Soifon asked.
“Uhhh….” Hitoshi remembered his cover story. “Before I went into the academy, I was saving up to start my own business.”
“And so you spent your life savings on a date with me?” Soifon was shocked.
“It was for a good cause.” Hitoshi shrugged. Soifon smirked approvingly. The boy had a good attitude, at least.
The rest of dinner was uneventful, spent mostly in silence as Hitoshi tried in vain to work up the courage to ask Soifon the questions he had been charged with. They paid their bill and left the restaurant.
“What do you want to do now?” Soifon turned to Hitoshi. In her high heels, she was taller than him.
“There’s a garden around here,” Hitoshi pointed, “We could just walk around there for a while.”
“That sounds tolerable.” Soifon started in the direction Hitoshi pointed. They arrived in a few minutes to a public park area, with groves of flowers, shade trees and gazebos. There was a stone path around the area that leaded visitors along the most seeing rout.
“You wished to know more about me,” Soifon spoke after some time, “Ask your questions.”
“Uhhh,” Hitoshi stammered. “As you could tell from the auction, there are plenty of men who would kill to be with you, if only for one night, yet no one has ever seen you spend time with any man except Omeada-fukutaicho, and you physically and verbally abuse him. Is there anyone else in your life?” Hitoshi cringed, bracing himself for impact.
“It should go without saying, but everything said tonight is completely confidential and if break your silence, there will be severe consequences.” There was something about Hitoshi that was wholly benign. He was completely none-threatening. Soifon knew her words would be enough to bind him to secrecy, so she felt comfortable answering the question. “I have no interest in men.”
“Wha…!?” Hitoshi half-gasped.
Spoiler:
I use that a lot.
“Men have brought me nothing but trouble. They constantly meddle in your affairs because they think you are too stupid to handle them yourself. They constantly try to defend you, even though I’ve proven time and again that I don’t need it. They’re arrogant, crude, obnoxious…” Soifon trailed off. “Besides, women know what women want.” She ended with a smirk and the faintest hint of coyness.
***
“Whew!” Yoruichi sighed. “So it’s confirmed, she’s a lesbian.”
“You mean you two went through all this trouble and you didn’t even know if she was a rug muncher?” Kukaku asked in disbelief.
“How could I?” Yoruichi asked.
“How could you not?” Urahara responded. “I guessed that way back when.” He referred to the time when they were all in the Gotie 13.
“Well, I’m not a genius like some people.” Yoruichi crossed her arms defensively.
“You’re a smart girl, but sometimes you can’t see the forest through the trees.” Urahara replied.
“Hey, wait a second.” Kukaku spoke up. “I remember you telling me about banging dudes before. Since when were you a lady lover?”
“First off, I’ve only had sex 3 times in my life.” Despite the way she acted sometimes, sex was not the center of Yoruichi’s life. She didn’t actively abstain from it, nor did she seek it. Most of the urges she had she could handle herself. “And looking back, the only time I got anything out of my few times was when I was in complete control, and then it was less like sex and more like using the worlds mot incontinently dildo.”
Spoiler:
My insistence on Yoruichi’s relative lack of a sex like is equally a weird and inexplicable.
“So you’ve had a few duds,” Kukaku shrugged. “That’s no reason to jump ship.”
“It’s not just about sex.” Yoruichi replied. “I genuinely like Soifon, the fact that I find her physically attractive is just a bonus.”
“Suit yourself.” Kukaku shrugged. “That just means that there’s more for me.”
***
Soifon and Hitoshi arrived back at the door to Soifon’s quarters. Again there was no crowed there to greet them as Hitoshi had expected.
“You surprised me, boy.” Soifon turned to Hitoshi. “Tonight turned out to not be nearly as excruciating as I expected it.”
“Uhh…thanks?” Hitoshi didn’t know whether that was a compliment or not.
“There’s one last thing that needs to be taken care of,” Soifon took a few steps closer to Hitoshi. He could smell her perfume.
***
“I can’t watch this.” Yoruichi curled up into a ball in her chair. Had she watched, she would have seen that the brief kiss was delivered on the check with perfunctory obligation. They said their good nights and the date was over.
“I think that’s all we need.” Urahara leaned forward and pressed the “stop” button on the recorders. “Would you like a transcript?” He asked sarcastically, holding up the tapes.
“No,” Yoruichi rose and grabbed the tapes. “I’ll take theses now and get to work.” Before Urahara could protest, Yoruichi vanished.
“She does realize that she’s way over thinking this situation, doesn’t she?” Kukaku looked to Urahara.
“No, I don’t think so.” Urahara answered.
“And she does realize that all she would have to do is say the word and Soifon would be the fastest booty call in the world?” Kukaku asked again.
Spoiler:
She would probably break the sound barrier. They would have to invent a new category of land-speed records.
“I’m afraid not.” Urahara responded. It would take a buffoon to miss how Soifon acted around Yoruichi.
“Well, that was fun while it lasted.” Kukaku stood up. “I’m going to go blow shit up, care to join me?”
“Of course I do!”Urahara sprung up and followed Kukaku to her testing chamber.
Spoiler:
It’s hard to be pro Kukaku/Urahara when you’re a YoruSoi and it not seem like you’re just trying to get Urahara out of the way, but even though I have no evidence to support this, I feel like they would have more chemistry that he has with Yoruichi. At the very least, back in the SS arc when Yoruichi went to Kukaku it sounded like she was helping her more out of her association with Urahara than their own friendship, so at least there’s that.
***
Soifon sat behind her desk, shuffling papers, looking for the most pressing. It had been a week since the date and the commotion seemed to have died down. The only real repercussions was that the Women’s Association’s inbox was inedited with questions wanting to know when and who the next auction was. Soifon looked up at the sound of knocking.
Spoiler:
We, as a community, need to think of something other than papers for Sui-Feng to be doing.
“Come in,” Soifon beckoned commandingly. She was surprised to see a dark-skinned woman in an orange jacket in the door frame. “Y…Yoruichi-sama?”
“Hey Soi,” Yoruichi greeted, trying her best to sound casual.
“How can I…what are you…?” Soifon stammered.
“So tense all the time,” Yoruichi laughed. “Speaking of, when’s the next time you have off?”
“Well, there’s this new sushi bar that opened up in Karakura and I was wondering if you wanted to try it out with me?” Yoruichi asked with the faintest hint of a blush. She had spent the last week analyzing the tapes, looking for her best chances of wooing Soifon.
“S…sure!” Soifon answered eagerly. How could she say no to anything Yoruichi requested, especially when it involved spending time with her? “I’ll let you know as soon as possible when I’ll be able to!”
“Great.” Yoruichi smiled in relief. “I’ll see you then.” She left Soifon to her work.
That’s strange, Soifon though after the news had time to sink in. I just had sushi…
Spoiler:
I’m really surprised at the amount to love this fic gets, but I can’t say that I don’t appreciate it. All in all, I wish I had gone crazier with it. For as absurd and ripe with comedy the central premise is, the whole affair is rather subdued and mundane. I could have played up Sui-Feng gradually growing to enjoy her time with Hitoshi and Yoruichi’s growing discomfort more, though on the other hand that time of squirm-inducing humor is usually only funny to me and like one other person. That’s a problem really with all my “funny” fics; I rely too much on the inherent humor of the central premise and do very little in the way of delivering any real jokes.
It'll probably be a bit before I do The Dating Game commentary. I actually want to get at least some part of the next chapter of Every Time... sent to Polaris first.
Last edited by SoldierG65434-2 on Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:26 pm; edited 6 times in total
Fatalicious R&R Lover
Posts : 333 Join date : 2010-05-11 Age : 35 Location : Nobody Cares
I enjoyed reading this. I think its always fun to look back to see what you've done in the past, and seeing peoples' reactions to doing so. Also, I like how you misspelled stranger, when talking about misspelling stranger.
Mr Khan Hollow
Posts : 96 Join date : 2012-02-01 Location : Source of the Sun
Hey! I respected Hallibel well before this past week. Part of it, i imagine, is my starvation for competent, no-nonsense (but not evil) women in shonen anime, drawn to her for similar reasons as to Soi Fon, Unohana, or, say, Nico Robin... I support the "rescue" brigade in that i do not want to see her killed off and do want to see her contribute before all is said and done (though Kubo's going to have to go into overdrive making up original Quincies or Quincy-Arrancars so that most everyone gets someone to fight. Fortunately this is his specialty).
I have an equal fascination with Cammy, despite the fact that i dislike all fighting games that aren't Super Smash Bros. I pair Cammy in a three-way with Juri and Chun-Li.
SoldierG65434-2 H-H-Hacker
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-05-06 Location : Citadel Station
(though Kubo's going to have to go into overdrive making up original Quincies or Quincy-Arrancars so that most everyone gets someone to fight. Fortunately this is his specialty).
Finally, his ability to bog down the story with superfluous characters pays off!
Mr Khan wrote:
I have an equal fascination with Cammy, despite the fact that i dislike all fighting games that aren't Super Smash Bros. I pair Cammy in a three-way with Juri and Chun-Li.
...
Seriously though, that Cammy stuff blew my mind. So many things about them lined up, down to the "Bee" name that it was freaky. I can't even claim it was subconscious since I didn't know that stuff until very recently.
And funnily enough, Juri was the first character that I started messing around with in AE. Fiddling with Cammy has done nothing to turn me around on the game though. What can I say, my hands grew up with MK and they just hate dragon-punches.
CaptainYoruichi CaptainYoruichi Level
Posts : 1264 Join date : 2010-05-06 Age : 42 Location : Nerd Palace
Socially-inept Yoruichi is my favorite kind. It gives her some much-needed humanity over being this hyper-competent sex goddess.
I think I agree with this, actually.
SoldierG65434-2 H-H-Hacker
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-05-06 Location : Citadel Station
Subject: Re: SoldierG65434-2 Fic Commentaries Wed Mar 28, 2012 1:13 am
CaptainYoruichi wrote:
Quote :
Socially-inept Yoruichi is my favorite kind. It gives her some much-needed humanity over being this hyper-competent sex goddess.
I think I agree with this, actually.
Oh god, the Mayan's were right! We actually agree on Yoruichi! All is lost!
Yoruichi sort of suffers from the same problem Superman did for the longest time; flawless characters arn't interesting. They can be enjoyable and entertaining, but when you put them into situations that require more depth they fall flat. If every fic writer were to write Yoruichi totally on point with the manga she would be an outstanding bore, for the most part. She can get away with how she is in the manga because we get her in minute doses, but she just wouldn't fly long term. Which is why we get all the various permutations on Yoruichi that most of us know and hate. Socially-inept is just another way of doing things without being totally crazy about it.
I really hope we see more of Yoruichi in this arc, and not just with Sui-Feng. I want to see her interacting with as many people as possible. I finally want to know who she is.
PolarisAmane Writing Monster
Posts : 290 Join date : 2010-05-06 Age : 109 Location : Paradise Island
This is my longest stand-alone piece, clocking in at 7,227 words. And I wrote every one of the fuckers in one sitting. Siyentista requested a sequel to Going once, going twice, SOLD! and it took me longer than usual (at the time) to get working on it. So I decided to just do it, and I did. I don’t recommend writing a cohesive nearly-8,000 word anything in one sitting. As you can probably tell reading, there’s an appreciable decline in quality as things go one. This is because of my growing boredom, frustration, and anger. There are an unusually high number of spelling and formatting errors in this fic, and they are all preserved as is.
Take breaks, people.
Yoruichi lay sprawled out on a mat inside the Kuchiki estate in a small annex that Byakuya himself most likely didn’t know about. The estate was so huge, and Byakuya kept to his room for the most part.
Which is why the Shinigami Women’s Association had chosen this particular room as its new spot for its regular meetings.
Lifting the cup in the hand up to her mouth, Yoruichi sipped on the mint tea that Unohana had been so kind to brew for them. Propping herself up on one of her arms, Yoruichi looked around the room at the other inhabitants.
Isane and Nanao were chatting away about something. A few feet away, Unohana seemed to be telling a story that had Rangiku and Yachiru equally enthralled.
Spoiler:
Two for two with taking swipes at Rangiku
That left one person. Out of the corner of her eye, Yoruichi could see the very inviting lap of the Captain of the Second Division.
Sitting up, to dispel any temptation she had to move her head to those thighs that Yoruichi new for a fact were more comfortable that the fluffiest of pillows, Yoruichi stretched out her stiff muscles.
“Did you enjoy your nap, Yoruichi-sama?” Soifon asked once she realized that Yoruichi was awake.
Spoiler:
I like how I never established that Yoruichi had been napping
“Yeah,” Yoruichi yawned, her eyes glinting mischievously. “But that mat is so uncomfortable. Would you mind rubbing my shoulders for a bit? There so stiff.”
Spoiler:
If by mat you mean floor.
“Uhhh…S..sure, Yoruichi-sama.” Soifon stammered as she scooted closer the caramel-skinned woman. With bated breath, Soifon slowly raised her hands to Yoruichi’s shoulders and began to knead the muscles though the fabric of her jacket. Soifon was glad Yoruichi was facing the other direction. It made it easier to hide the furious blush creeping across her cheeks.
Spoiler:
I makes me wonder sometimes what the fuck I’m doing when the most accurate portrayal of Sui-Feng is my least favorite. There the most evidence supporting Sui-Feng being a rather immature, borderline childish character in the way she deals with people, Yoruichi or otherwise, and yet I loathe it. That’s not to say that I oppose to the occasional blush or childish slight, but when that’s all she does…
Best not to think about it too much.
With a contented sigh, Yoruichi took another sip from her tea, which Soifon had been gracious enough to pour for her. Part of her felt bad for taking advantage of Soifon’s sense of obligation like this, but the rest of her was okay with it. Besides, it wasn’t like she was going to muster up the courage to bare her soul to the other woman any time soon, especially after their sushi lunch a few months ago, so these back rubs and small kindnesses would have to suffice for now.
Spoiler:
How much I am referencing the anime in this right made me throw up in my mouth a little.
Yoruichi shuddered unintentionally at the thought of that sushi lunch that she had shared with Soifon. It had been excruciatingly awkward.
Spoiler:
I feel Yoruichi would be uncomfortable or awkward in any situation where she’s not just in charge, but the clear authority and superior.
Shaking her head to get rid of the images of her spilling soda all over Soifon, Yoruichi concentrated on the hands that were delicate easing the tension in her shoulders.
“Are you alright, Yoruichi-sama?” Soifon asked. She had noticed Yoruichi shiver momentarily and wondered if it was because of something she did.
“Yes, yes!” Yoruichi waved of the concern. “I’m fine. Please keep going.” Yoruichi said as she relaxed into Soifon’s touch. Yoruichi couldn’t see the frown that spread across Soifon’s face.
Soifon couldn’t help but notice that Yoruichi had been acting rather oddly as of late. Her normally graceful movements and mannerisms were now pop-marked with acts of shocking clumsiness. And her speech, which normally flowed so effortlessly and sagaciously, now almost sounded forced.
And there were times where Soifon had caught Yoruichi just staring at her. Yoruichi would quickly look away whenever she noticed Soifon had picked up on it, which made the act all the more unnerving.
But, Soifon abided by all of this, because the fact that Soifon had picked up on so many odd things meant that Yoruichi was spending enough time around her for her to recognize them, and that was always a reason to celebrate.
Spoiler:
I want to read a fic where Sui-Feng and Yoruichi have feelings for each other, but they are never realized. They spend the whole time dancing around the subject and in the end there is no resolution.
All the heads in the room snapped to the sound of an opening door. In the threshold, Nemu stood holding a large stack of papers.
“Hello, Nemu,” Nanao greeted the pseudo life form. “I see you brought the results from our latest survey.”
“Yes, Madame Vice-President.” Nemu said automatically as she handed the papers to Nanao.
“So, who will it be this time?” Rangiku said eagerly.
Ever since the widely successful auction the Shinigami Woman’s Association had held for a date with Soifon, the Association’s inbox has been flooded with letters wanting to know who would be the next member up for bid. And again, Nanao decided to put out a survey to find out who would fetch the highest price.
“Let’s see,” Nanao shuffled thought the papers. “It was pretty close this time, but it looks like Rangiku…”
“I knew it! Men just can’t resist my charms!” Rangiku stood up triumphantly.
“…lost out to Yoruichi-dono.” Nanao finished.
Spoiler:
Classic misdirection
“Really?” Yoruichi and Rangiku asked simultaneously.
“But why?” Rangiku pouted.
“I don’t know. All I have are the results.” Nanao replied. After reading the answers about Soifon on the last survey, Nanao decided it would be wise to remove the “comments” section from this one.
“Relax,” Yoruichi turned to Rangiku. “Cougars are the in thing right now.” She smiled slyly.
Spoiler:
I think I meant this to be a play on her turning into a cat, but really I comes off as making her look old. I really wish we had a solid idea of how Shinigami age, or don’t, as the case may be.
“So, we’ll hold an auction for an evening with Yoruichi-dono next month.” Nanao put the papers down. Even though Yoruichi wasn’t a part of the Gotie 13 anymore, she had been spending enough time with the Association as of late to make her a de facto member.
“Hold on a second, don’t I get a say in this?” Yoruichi sat up straighter.
“You offered you name to be put on the survey.” Nanao shrugged.
“But I’m not comfortable with being auctioned off.” Yoruichi replied. “Reminds me too much of those arranged weddings that my parents shoved me into.”
“It’s just for a date,” Rangiku waved. “Soifon managed just fine as she a bigger stiff than you could ever be.” Rangiku paled a little at the deathly stare Soifon shot her.
“I have a better idea.” Yoruichi snapped her fingers. “Auctions will get stale, we need to switch things up. In the World of the living, there are these game shows where people ask questions to strangers that are hidden behind a curtain or wall, and they pick a date based on the answers they give. We could do that instead.”
Yoruichi’s mind raced with the possibilities. She could talk to Soifon up until the big day about who she hoped she would get to pick from, all the while dropping ever so subtle hints about the kind of person she’s into.
“Yeah, I remember watching one of those when I stayed with Orihime.” Rangiku commented. “But how will we pick the bachelors?”
Spoiler:
Are dating shows even on anymore? Is that one Japanese game show with the iguana and the girls with meat tied to their head a dating game show?
“We could hold a raffle.” Unohana interjected.
“And charge for tickets!” Rangiku finished happily. Her mood always improved when it came to taking men’s money. “Ooh! And we can even charge for tickets to watch the dating game!”
“But what do we advertise the date as?” Nanao asked.
“Hmmm,” Rangiku thought about it for a moment. “Bowling!”
Spoiler:
I hate bowling.
“Bowling?” Nanao asked confusedly.
“Yeah! It’s a game in the World of the Living. We can charge even more for tickets because it’s such an exotic experience!” Rangiku clapped her hands together.
“Where are you going to get a bowling alley?” Yoruichi asked.
“We still have a ton of money left over from Soifon’s auction, we could build one.” Unohana interjected, herself familiar with bowling.
“I don’t know…” Nanao hesitated.
“Think of it as an investment.” Unohana continued. “After the date, we can open the alley to the public. It could be a constant source of revenue for the Association.”
Spoiler:
This seems like a terrible investment. Unohana should not give financial advice.
“Well, if you think it’s a good idea,” Nanao shrugged. “I’ll begin the paperwork for acquiring land in Rukongai to build this…bowling…alley.” Nanao turned to Soifon. “Do you have anything to add, Taicho?”
“No, nothing, Soifon replied through gritted teeth. Mentally, she patted herself on the back for not losing her cool during the meeting. The thought of Yoruichi being sold off for a nigh absolutely infuriated her, but the idea that Yoruichi would be choosing someone to spend the evening with, someone that wasn’t her, infuriated her even more. Soifon had dedicated her entire life to Yoruichi’s service and she wasn’t worth of such an honor, what made anyone else?
Yoruichi frowned at the response. Where was the outrage that Soifon usually showed when Yoruichi spent time around people Soifon deemed “unworthy?”
“Then we are adjourned.” Nanao said officially. All the woman got up and began to disperse.
“Come on, Soi,” Yoruichi said, grabbing Soifon’s wrist. “I need you to impart your wisdom on me, since you’ve done this before.” Yoruichi lied. Any excuse to be around Soifon.
***
Isane, Yoruichi, and Rangiku stood in front of an ever growing mass of people. The only thing separating the women from the growing mob was a small stable with a large roll of tickets on it. Supported on two polls attached to the table was a banner that read “Win a chance to compete for an exotic night of bowling with Yoruichi Shihoin!”
Spoiler:
This is why I don’t really go into the disparity between the SS and Real World. Because stuff like this looks fucking stupid. This is supposed to be comedy though, so I guess it’s okay.
“What’s the hold up?!” One man shouted at the three women.
“Patience,” Rangiku chided. “Tickets don’t go on sale until noon.” Just as the Rangiku finished the sentence, the massive clock tower near the center of the Seireitei struck twelve. Instantly, the mod started flinging money towards the women.
“Easy, easy!” Rangiku started to take the notes and put them into a lock box while Isane feverishly ripped off tickets and handed them out.
“Remember, more tickets equal a higher chance of winning!’ Yoruichi winked. This whipped the mod into a frenzy. Some were buying ten tickets at a time.
Though Yoruichi was smiling outwardly, she wasn’t nearly as enthusiastic as she appeared to be. The only reason she was playing along at all was because she thought it would annoy Soifon. She had a habit of railing against anyone that she though unworthy of Yoruichi’s attention.
Though Yoruichi acted annoyed whenever Soifon went on about how spending any time with her was “an honor” and how they “should be more grateful for such a privilege,” Yoruichi actually liked the attention.
Spoiler:
Another pet interpretation of mine is that Yoruichi likes all the fawning she gets from sui-Feng and that’s why she doesn’t do much to stop it.
But Soifon wasn’t acting like she normally did now. Whenever Yoruichi brought up the impending date, Soifon would just grumble about how it “was for the good of Association.”
Sighing, Yoruichi frowned slightly. Soifon was right, they were bringing in a ton of money, and Yoruichi couldn’t start acting disinterested now.
“I’m sorry!” Rangiku shouted to the now angry mod. “We are out of tickets! You’ll have to come back tomorrow!” Quickly, Rangiku closed the lock box, which had notes sticking out the side form how haphazardly it was packed, and the three women ran off, bounding off of rooftops as the stand was over run.
“Over ten thousand kan!” Rangiku squealed as they fled. “We made over ten thousand kan in less than an hour! And we’re going to do the same thing tomorrow!” She turned to Yoruichi. “That wink drove the crazy! Do it again tomorrow.”
“Yeah, sure.” Yoruichi nodded. Keeping up with Isane and Rangiku required Yoruichi to move almost painfully slow.
“If this keeps up, you’re going to shatter Soifon’s record.” Rangiku’s mind was racing with the possibilities that all that money could afford.
***
Scowling harder than usual, Soifon stomped her way towards a growing crowd within the Onmitsukido compound.
In the middle of the crowd stood Omeada, holding up between his thumb and index finger a large stack of tickets.
“That’s right! Twenty tickets!” Omeada shouted to the crowd. “Yours truly is almost guaranteed a shot with Yoruichi!”
Spoiler:
How fucking stupid can this guy be? Did he forget who his Captain is?
I think overall Omeada get’s a bad rap. He’s obviously meant to be a comic relief character, but the blundering I think is a bit much. I mean, Sui-Feng trusted her life to him in FKT. That should count for something.
“How did you afford so many tickets?” One man asked him? “I hear the prices go up daily.”
“Easy,” Omeada pointed a thumb to his chest. “I’m rich.”
“You’re so lucky,” Another man sighed. “I wish I had that type of money to blow.”
“What is going on here?” Soifon asked irritably as she shouldered her way to the front of the crowd.
“Uhhh..nothing, Taicho.” Omeada stammered, quickly hiding the tickets.
“What was that you were just holding?” Soifon stepped away from the crowed so that now she and Omeada were encircled by the mass of people.
“N…nothing, Taicho.” Omeada took a step back from the woman.
“Those were tickets for the raffle to that preposterous dating game, weren’t they?” Soifon scowled. Omeada shook his head. “Let me see what’s behind your back.” Soifon held out her hand. Reluctantly, Omeada handed over his tickets.
“Just as I though.” Soifon snatched the tickets away. Effortlessly, she tore all the tickets in half at once and threw them into the air. “Let that be a lesson to all of you!’ Soifon turned to the crowded around her. “If I find out that any of you bought tickets of your own, then I will personally dispose of them myself. Our job is too important to spend our time slacking off and chasing after women, do I make myself clear!?”
Omeada hesitantly, Omeada opened his mouth to speak, to point out the hypocrisy in Soifon’s words.
“I don’t care what cause the money goes too, the Women’s Association will sell more than enough tickets without the Onmitsukido’s contribution.” With a collective groan, the crowd around her dispersed.
Furtively, Soifon looked around her. Confident that there was no one around to see her, she quickly dropped to her knees and began to feverishly stuff all the pieces of the tickets she could find into a pocket of her haori.
She didn’t actually think she could win this date, and she didn’t know what she would do if she did. How would it look for a woman of her rank to be on a dating game? And what would Yoruichi think?
However, she would be damned before Omeada had even the slimmest chance of winning that date.
***
The rest of the week transpired in a very similar manner. The Woman’s Association would set up a ticket booth somewhere in the Seireitei, and within minutes of them opening, they would be sold out.
“Four hundred thousand kan.” Rangiku said disbelievingly as he finished counting the money for the hundredth time. “We made over four hundred thousand kan in a week.”
“That’s pretty impressive.” Isane said as she prepped the intercom system. The two women were in the Fourth Division compound. They were about to announce the raffle winners, and the Fourth Division was the only Division besides the First that had an intercom that reached everyone.
“Impressive? That’s insane!” Rangiku replied. “Think of how much money we could have made if we kept selling tickets for another week.”
“I think it was wise to quit while we were ahead.” Isane said as she took a seat behind the microphone. “People got pretty mad at you last price increase, I don’t think they would have put up with another.”
“Maybe.” Rangiku shrugged. “Well, it’s not over yet. We still get to sell tickets to the dating game. There’s going to be limited seating, so we can charge even more for them!” She beamed.
“Do you have the winning tickets?” Isane asked. Rangiku handed over the three tickets that she had selected at random.
“Are you ready to make a ton of men very upset all at once?” Rangiku asked a now pale Isane.
***
Soifon sat behind her desk, filling out her usual daily paperwork load. However, she was not as focused as she normally would be. Constantly, her eyes were flicking over to the small clock on the edge of her desk.
Today was the day that they were announcing the winners.
Soifon didn’t know why she was so anxious. Even though she was in possession of twenty tickets, thousands of them had been sold. The odds of her having a winning number were slim, at the very best.
The clock struck six and, right on time, Soifon heard the crackling of the intercom.
“G…Good evening, everyone.” Isane stammered for everyone in the Seireitei to hear. “I am going to announce the winners of the Shinigami Women’s Association raffle. These three individuals will win a chance to compete for an evening of bowling with none other than Yoruichi Shihoin.” Soifon pulled the tickets she had taken from Omeada out of her drawer. She had meticulously tapped them together.
“And now, for the winners,” Isane continued. “56248, 85375, and 12468. If you have a winning ticket, please report to the main Auditorium on the seventeenth at four o’clock. That is all.” The intercom went dead, but Soifon didn’t hear, nor did she hear the collective groan of defeat that rang through all the barracks after the last number was read off. All that she heard was the second number.
Spoiler:
Generally in these situations I use the numbers to reference something, but in this case I’m failry certain they’re just random.
85375, 85375, 85375! Soifon read the ticket in her hand over and over again, as if the number on it would magically change.
“I won,” Soifon mumbled to herself quietly. Then, the actuality of the occurrence hit her. “I won!” Soifon shouted as she stood up abruptly. Suddenly, the triumphant grin that had been plastered to her face melted away.
Spoiler:
I relied too much on coincidences way too much early on. This is beyond serendipitous.
What do I do? Soifon wondered as she began to pace her office franticly. I can’t go to that game show. Everyone will know it’s me. I’m a Captain, it’s unprofessional!. Worst of all, Yoruichi will know, and that’s not how I want her to find out about how I feel. Soifon suddenly switched the direction of her pacing.
But this is a once in a life time opportunity! I can’t just ignore it. Come on, there has to be something I can do about this! Soifon racked her brain frantically.
Spoiler:
I’ve been trying to get away from using italics to signify thoughts. Generally speaking, there are better ways to go about an inner monologue.
As she paced her quarters, feverishly searching for anything resembling a plan of action, Soifon heard a knock at her door. Angrily, she slid the shoji open.
“What?! What do you want?” Soifon answered the door irritably.
“I’m sorry to disturb you, Taicho.” A young man wearing the standard Onmitsukido uniform and face mask knelt before her. “But I have the mission report from the Seventh Division that you requested.” The boy offered her up a manila envelope.
“Yes, thank you.” Soifon replied, more calmly as she eyed the boy’s attire, her mind formulating a plan.
***
Cautiously, a short boy entered the Seireitei’s Auditorium. He was a little late, and he hoped that there wouldn’t be any consequences.
Nervously, the boy made his way to the stage, where there were three four stools, three of which were separated from the fourth from a high partition. There was already someone seated on one of the stools.
“Can I help you?” Rangiku turned as Nanao pointed the boy out to her.
“Uh, yes.” The boy answered in a deep voice. “I’m here to compete for the date with Yoruichi.”
“Let me see your ticket.” Nanao answered. The boy fumbled for a moment, the produced the ticket form a pocket of his Onmitsukido uniform. “This is a winning ticket.” Nanao confirmed, then handed him a form. “I’m going to need you to fill out this form.” She handed him a pen as well.
The form only requested very basic information, like name and future aspirations. The boy filled out the form and handed it back to Nanao.
Spoiler:
Why the fuck did I do this? You already know its Sui-Feng, there’s no reason to pretend that it’s not. All I got out of it was getting to repeat “the boy” a hundred time. The was a huge missed opportunity on my part. I could have used this chance to get more into Sui-Feng’s head on how she approached missions, but instead I completely dropped the ball.
It’s also here where the quality of the writing starts to take a tip, most notably in the dialogue portions.
“Congratulations, Ryo.” Nanao said as she read over the paper. “Please take a seat on stage.” Ryo nodded and climbed the stairs up onto the stage.
“I thought you Onmitsukido guys weren’t allowed to participate in this.” The man already seated on stage greeted Ryo.
“I had already bought my ticket before Soifon Taicho issued that directive.” Ryo replied gruffly as he sat down. “My names Ryo.”
“Masaru, from the Eleventh.” Masaru retuned the greeting. Ryo took a seat on the stool next to him. “That’s an awfully long pony tail you have their, pal.” Masaru commented as Ryo turned around to take his seat. Though most of Ryo’s face was concealed, a long braided pony tail stuck out from under the bandana around his head.
“It’s part of a bet.” Ryo answered hurriedly. “You know how us guys can be.”
“I feel you.” Masaru smiled knowingly. “One time, at the Academy, I lost a bet and had to shave a strip down my head.” He ran two fingers though his short, brown hair, indicating where the strip he had to shave was. As Masaru finished his story, the third candidate stepped up on stage. A woman with fiery red hair cut in a bob sat down on the stool next to Ryo.
“Can we help you, miss?” Masaru asked the woman.
“’What, do you little ol’ me is lost?” the woman gave Masaru her best doe-eyes. “You make me sick.”
“So your here to compete for the date with Yoruichi?” Ryo asked, a little stunned.
“Nowhere did it say that women were excluded.” The woman crossed her arms defiantly. “I have just as much right to be here as you do.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean you have the same chance of winning as us.” Masaru replied.
“What do you mean by that?” The woman raised an eyebrow.
Spoiler:
Why do I hate pronouns? Why can’t I just call her “she?”
“Please, Yoruichi looks like the type of woman who likes a strong man.” Masaru smiled.
“Please,” The woman waved him off. “The woman turns into a male cat! How much more blatant can she be?”
Spoiler:
How does she know that? This isn’t the first time I’ve done things in fics that make no sense just to beat you all over the head with one of my justifications for this ship.
“Anyway, I’m Masaru and this hear is Ryo.” Masaru introduced himself and his new friend.
“Charmed.” The Woman replied sarcastically. “I’m Yumi.” She offered her hand for a shake. “You don’t talk much, do you, Ryo?” She said as she shook his hand.
“I don’t believe in mincing words.” Ryo replied.
“Do you plan on wearing that face mask the whole time?” Yumi asked.
Spoiler:
I hate Yumi. I find her insufferable. I didn’t like her when I wrote her and I don’t like her now.
“Soifon-taicho hasn’t given me permission to break uniform.” Ryo replied. People were starting to fill up the seats in the Auditorium.
“What a stiff!” Yumi laughed. “The way you Onmitsukido guys talk about her makes her sound like some terrifying demi-god. If you knew some of the stuff that I’ve heard about her, I don’t think you be so quick to revere her.”
“Such as?” Ryo asked angrily and Nanao started testing the microphones.
“Let’s just say that word on the street is that she’s not exactly the straightest arrow, if you catch my drift.” Yumi replied mischievously.
Spoiler:
Nice to know that the Gotei 13 is about a socially progressive as the US military circa 1993
So, my habits aren’t that much of a secret anymore, Soifon though, glad that the face mask hid her scowl.
Spoiler:
And yet again I bludgeon you over the head with Sui-Feng’s sex life.
It always amazed Soifon just how little effort it took to disguise one’s appearance. A change of uniform and a face mask, and a new hair style and no one recognized her.
Soifon had already had a naturally deep voice for a woman, so it wasn’t that difficult for her to throw it deeper, further disguising herself. Add a pair of colored contacts, some padding to square off her shoulders, and a bracelet from the Twelfth that masked her reiatsu, and she was now Ryo.
Spoiler:
I regret not going the gigai route. It would have been much more believable, but we don’t really know how gigais work in the SS. It also would have taken this fic in some wired directions, as gender-bending is prone to do.
“Good evening, everyone.” Nanao greeted the now packed auditorium. “Before we get started, I would like to introduce the prospective candidates who will be vying for the affection of Yoruichi tonight.” Nanao shuffled some papers in her hand. “Bachelor number one hails from the Eleventh Division and loves fighting and red meats. Please welcome Masaru Tanaka.” There was a loud, boisterous cheer that most likely came from a group of his close friends.
“Bachelor number two is a new recruit to the Onmitsukido who one day hopes to become a seated officer. Pleases welcome Ryo Fujiwara.” There was a polite applause from the audience.
“And last, our only female contestant. Bachelorette number three comes from the Third Division and has aspirations for Captaincy. Please welcome Yumi Kondo.” Yumi was greeted by an equal mixture on emphatic cheers and harsh heckles. She greeted both with a haughty glare.
“And now, for the woman of the hour, please give a round of applause to Yoruichi Shihoin.” Nanao introduced Yoruichi and left the stage. As Yoruichi removed the ear plugs from her hears that ensured that the people behind the partition would remain a secret, she was almost floored by the volume of the cheers for her.
She hadn’t realized that she was that popular. She had assumed that most people had forgotten about her.
A delusional part of Yoruichi had hoped that Soifon wouldn’t be able to stand the thought to her going out with someone other than her, and that she would come in and whisk her away before any of this even happened.
At least Yoruichi was self aware enough to realize that it was a delusional fantasy. Soifon didn’t seem to mind any of this at all, which left Yoruichi with the task for figuring out which of these three anonymous strangers she would have the least horrible time with for an evening.
“Settle down,” Yoruichi said into her microphone. “We won’t get anywhere if you spend the whole time cheering for me.” Yoruichi looked down at the index cards she had in her hands as the crowd settled down. On them were suggestions for question she should ask to the bachelors.
“Let’s start off with an easy question.” Yoruichi started. “Bachelor number one, what color do you think describes you the best?”
“That’s easy!” Masaru answered immediately. “Red, because it’s got a lot of energy, like me.”
Spoiler:
I don’t think reds usually associate with energy, unless we’re talking about anger.
“So, you think you have enough energy to keep up with me?” Yoruichi asked flirtatiously.
“I could go for days.” Masaru replied to the cheers of his friends. Behind her face mask, Soifon scowled at the man’s impudence.
Spoiler:
I hate this. I hate myself.
“Bachelor number two.” Soifon’s heart jumped as Yoruichi spoke. “There is only one donut left between the two of us, how do you split it?”
Spoiler:
This is a reference to the YoruSoi survey over on the BleachAsylum FCs.
“Uhhh…” Soifon hesitated. “I would give the whole thing to you.” Soifon answered to the snickers of the crowd.
“The gentleman, I see.” Yoruichi said approvingly.
“You should have said down the middle. The crowd would have loved it.” Masaru whispered to Ryo.
“No! That’s just vulgar!” Soifon replied with horror.
“I know. that’s why they would have loved it.” Masaru answered.
“Bachelor number three…” Yoruichi began.
“Actually, it’s bachelorette number three.” Yumi interrupted.
Spoiler:
Every time she opens her mouth I want to punch her, and I don’t even have a face to visualize.
“A woman?” Yoruichi replied, a little surprised. Then she smirked. “As a member of the fairer sex, how fairly would you treat me?”
Spoiler:
As fucking terrible as this dialogue is, it’s fairly representative of what you’ll hear on the actual Dating Game.
“I would treat you like the princess you are.” Yumi replied, smiling devilishly at Masaru, whose jaw was about on the floor. “I think we both know that there are just certain things in life that require a woman’s touch.”
“I most certainly agree.” Yoruichi replied salaciously, even though she had yet to experience a woman’s touch. The crown went berserk with cheers.
Spoiler:
And yet again I beat you over the head with Yoruichi’s lack of a sex life.
“Bachelor number one, what’s your ideal first date?” Yoruichi asked her next question.
“Sparring, no doubt.” Masaru answered confidently. “There’s no better way to get to know someone that to cross swords with them.”
“Are you certain you are in the right place?” Yumi interjected. “Because I’m sure there are some men in the Eleventh who would love to cross swords with you.”
Spoiler:
“Errrggh! That’s not what I meant and you know it!” Masaru pointed angrily. The crowed erupted in laughter.
Spoiler:
The crowds doing a lot of erupting. I like to imagine that heads are exploding and just fountaining blood like a volcano.
“Bachelor number two,” Yoruichi shuffled the cards in her hand. “We’re out hunting hollows and one lunges for me. Now, I’m a big girl, capable of defending myself. What do you do?”
Spoiler:
This question’s a tad incongruous
“Just because you can defend yourself doesn’t mean you should have to.” Soifon answered, her throat becoming a little sore from making her voice so deep. “I would do my best to defend you, regardless you your abilities.”
That sounds like something Soifon would say, Yoruichi though to herself. She shook her head slightly to get rid of the thought.
“Bachelorette number three,” Yoruichi shuffled her cards again, disinterested in the whole affair because she had already made up her mind. “Do you prefer cats, or dogs?”
“Cat’s, most certainly.” Yumi answered. “There’s nothing quite like petting a pussy…cat.” Yumi welcomed the cheers as Ryo glared at her.
Spoiler:
Oh my God, I actually wrote that. Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk!
The rest of the questions proceeded in a very similar manner. Yoruichi could ask the most innocuous of questions, such as “are you left you right handed”, and the two people on either side of Soifon would twist it into something obscene. And every time Soifon answered her question in a non-vulgar way, she was booed or heckled for being a “wimp.”
Yoruichi finished up her last round of questions and Rangiku came up on stage.
“So, have you made your decision?” Rangiku said as she took the stage. “Who will you be taking with you for an evening of bowling at the band new bowling alley in upper east Rukongai?”
“Let me think for a moment.” Yoruichi crossed her arms and tapped her chin with her index finger thoughtfully.
Number one is just a typical guy. Not much to say about him. A little too arrogant for my tastes. Yoruichi contemplated. Number three is a girl, which is a plus, but she’s too crass, nothing like Soifon. Number two, at least, reminds me of her. He seems like a sweet enough guy.
“Well, it was a tough choice,” Yoruichi lied. “But I’m going to have to go with Bachelor number two.” The crowed started booing instantly. “What can I say?” Yoruichi shrugged. “I’m a sucker for the nice guys.”
“Bachelor number two, get you lucky butt out here.” Rangiku summoned the winner. Cautiously, Ryo stepped out from behind the partition.
“You and Yoruichi are in for a treat.” Rangiku said to the two. “You two will be the first to play on East Rukongai’s newest hot spot, which is owned and operated by the Shinigami Women’s Association, before it’s even open to the public! It will be a real Human World date, complete with pizza and beer!”
“Sounds like fun,” Yoruichi said as her eyes kept flicking over to the young man next to her. There was an odd aura of familiarity about him.
***
Yoruichi stood outside of the Rukongai bowling alley, tapping her foot. Ryo was over ten minutes late. Becoming a little impatient, Yoruichi was relieved to hear the sound of rapid footsteps coming her way.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” Ryo huffed. “I had difficulty sneaking out, and I haven’t begun my shunpo training yet, so I had to hoof it the whole way.”
”Sneak out?” Yoruichi asked.
“I haven’t accrued any time off yet, since I’m so new, so some of the older members had to help me sneak out.” Ryo’s breathing evened out.
Spoiler:
Because the Gotei 13 works like a part time job with vacation time.
“Rebellious, I like that.” Yoruichi smiled. “Come on, let’s go inside.” Ryo followed Yoruichi into the bowling alley.
The truth of the matter was that Soifon was late because she was having a crisis of conscious. She didn’t know what to do with herself now that she had won the date. Part of her wanted to come clean and tell Yoruichi that it was her, but she was too scared to.
Spoiler:
I find it odd that I wrote Sui-Feng with more scruples than Yoruichi in this, considering Yoruichi’s background.
Would Yoruichi be made at her for lying? Would Yoruichi leave because the date wasn’t what she expected? Soifon didn’t know how Yoruichi would react, so she decided it was best just to play along and scope things out.
The inside of the bowling alley was exactly what Yoruichi expected; rows of wooden lanes and racks of large, heavy bowling balls. Away from the lanes were tables and chairs that were used for eating.
“So, how does this game work?” Soifon asked Yoruichi in her falsely deep voice.
“Basically, you throw theses palls don that lane and try to hit the pins.” Yoruichi explained. “The person who hits the most pins at the end of ten round wins.”
“Sounds simple enough.” Soifon replied ass he picked out a bowling ball. Yoruichi picked out one of her own and took her spot at the beginning of the lane. Yoruichi swung the ball back and rolled it down the wooden alley. It veered to the left and only hit one pin.
“It’s been a while since I last played, and I wasn’t even good then.” Yoruichi shrugged as she retrieved the ball from the automatic retriever. She rolled the weighted sphere down the wooden lane again with better results. She struck five this time. “It’s your turn.”
Soifon stood up and took her ball in her hand. Unsure of how hard to throw the object, Soifon decided to ere on the side of caution. The ball traveled down the lane almost comically slowly, but struck several pins at the end.
“Are you going to wear that mask the whole time?’ Yoruichi asked as Ryo readied himself for another toss.
“If Soifon-taicho does happen to come upon us, I want to at least look like I’m working.” Soifon replied.
He’s such a stickler for protocol, Yoruichi though to herself, just like she is.
“Don’t worry.” Yoruichi replied. “If we do run into her, I’ll vouch for you.” The pair played two frames in silence before the alley’s cook came up to them with some glasses, a picture of beer, and a large cheese pizza.
“Here you go, it’s on the house.” The large man said as he put it down on one the table next to them.
“Thank you.” Yoruichi said as she took a slice for herself. “Go ahead, take a slice.” Yoruichi offered on to Ryo.
“I have a feeling that you will appreciate the dish more than me.” Soifon refused. She would have liked to share the meal with Yoruichi, but that would require her to remove her face mask. Something she could not do.
Carefully, Yoruichi poured herself a glass of bear.
“I’m a real light weight,” Yoruichi stated. “So I’m relying on you to make sure I don’t drink too much.”
“Understood.” Soifon nodded.
“Now, tell me,” Yoruichi began as she wiped some grease from her hands. “What made you want to spend the money to get here?”
“Well, as you could probably tell from the audience,” Soifon began, blushing a little behind her mask, “You are a very desirable woman.”
“So you’re here because I’m pretty?” Yoruichi asked.
“No! It’s more than that.” Soifon clarified. “You’re a fascinating person, and there are a lot of rumors floating around you. I was hoping to get the truth about you.”
“Rumors? Like what?” Yoruichi asked curiously.
“Well, first and foremost, there is a lot of speculation about the depth of your relationship with one Kiuske Urahara.” Soifon was proud of herself at how neutrally she said that man’s name.
“Me and Kiuske?” Yoruichi asked in disbelief. “People think we’re a thing?” Ryo nodded. “Well, things between me and Kiuske are…complicated, but not romantic. I’ll just leave it at that.” Yoruichi took a sip of beer. Internally, Soifon breathe a sigh of relief.
Spoiler:
That’s such a goddman cop out.
The two played several more frames, chatting idly about the game. Yoruichi continued to sip away at her glass of beer until it was empty. She promptly refilled it.
“I do have another question.” Soifon asked after a while.
“Go ahead, shoot.” Yoruichi responded, her speech a little slurred.
“What, exactly did you do during you exile?” Soifon asked, using this opportunity to ask the questions she didn’t have the courage to herself.
“Well, it wasn’t a vacation, I can tell you that much for sure.” Yoruichi leaned back in her chair. “Basically, when I wasn’t checking up on the Vizards and Kiuske and Tessai, I was soul searching.”
“Soul searching?” Soifon asked incredulously.
“Yep,” Yoruichi answered. “Even before I was out of my mom, my whole life was planned for me. Who I was, what I would do, when I would do it.” Yoruichi listed. “Then something unexpected happened. I was thrust into the real world, and I didn’t have any idea who I was. For the first time, I was living my life, not the last name. And, to be honest, it was a little scary. It was frightening to be thrust into a strange new world and not have an identity of your own. Sure, I was a bit of a tease and a flirt back home, but that was about it. The rest of my life was just business.”
“And, what did you find out about yourself?” Soifon inquired.
“To be honest, not much.” Yoruichi shrugged. “The most substantial thing I found out about myself is that I’m a tease and a flirt because I’m bad with my emotions, and I use that to cover that fact up.”
Spoiler:
Where the fuck is this fic? People have gone over the century of Yoruichi’s exile for Sui-Feng and how she developed, why hasn’t anyone done the same for Yoruichi? And this isn’t a case of “YoruSoi’s are Sui-Feng fans,” not even other fandoms have done this.
I want to read that fic.
“I see.” Soifon said thoughtfully.
“Sorry if the real me isn’t as interesting as the rumors.” Yoruichi said as she stood up and took her bowling ball in her hand.
“That’s not the case at all!” Soifon replied. Her throat was starting to get sore. “I find this side of you much more interesting. The rumors made you sound more like a God than a person.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sure there are some people who still think of me as a God.” Yoruichi smirked at the thought of the woman with twin braids.
“There’s one more thing I would like to ask you.” Soifon mustered up the remainder of her courage.
“What’s that?” Yoruichi turned to Ryo.
“If not Urahara, then who? Surely you can’t be single.” Soifon asked, dreading the answerer.
“Well believe it.”Yoruichi replied. “This woman hasn’t been caught by anyone yet.” Yoruichi smirked. “But there is someone that I’ve had my eye on.”
“Really, who?’ Soifon asked, unsure of why she did so. This line of questioning could only end in heart break.
“Can you keep a secret?” Yoruichi sat down clumsily next to Ryo.
“I’m in the Onmitsukido, that’s my job.” Soifon replied. “I don’t know if it’s the alcohol in me, or if it’s that fact that you remind me so much of her, but I just feel so comfortable talking to you.” Yoruichi said, seemingly on a tangent. “Okay, here it goes…Soifon.”
“Whaaaaa…?!” Soifon eye’s shot wide open and her heart started pounding in her chest.
Spoiler:
There it is again.
“I know, it must be surprising that I could have fallen for someone so seemingly distant and unfeeling,” Yoruichi admitted, “But she’s a real sweet heart once you get past her cold, prickly exterior. And I don’t think I have to tell you how hot she is.”
Soifon was barely listening to what Yoruichi was saying. Her head was spinning and her hear was racing. She could feel herself starting to break out in a cold sweat. She was struggling to keep her breathing under control, lest she hyperventilate.
That’s why she’s been spending so much more time around me? Soifon thought frantically. That’s why she’s been so awkward and clumsy when I’m around. That’s what’s why I’ve caught her staring at me and she’s asked for so many massages? Because…because she…she likes me?! She was struggling to wrap her mind around the sudden revelation.
After a few moments of deep breathing while Yoruichi bowled, Soifon collected herself enough to interact with the woman again.
“Why…haven’t you spoken to her about your…feelings?” Soifon struggled to remain even.
“Like I said before, I’m bad with my emotions. Not only that, but Soifon’s a very passionate person.” The images of their reunion on Sokyoku hill replayed in Yoruichi’s mind. “The idea of awkwardly confessing something like that to someone so passionate scares me. Not only that, but I really hurt her in the past. Part of me thinks she would use it as an opportunity to get back at me.”
“I don’t think I…she….” Soifon fumbled for a moment.
“Plus, I don’t even know if she feels the same way.” Yoruichi sat down. “I mean, she blushes and stammers a lot when I’m around, but that could mean anything!”
“I’m sure if you just talked…” Soifon began, but Yoruichi cut her off.
“Let me put it to you this way. I paid for the winner of that date with her a few months back so I could use Hitoshi as spy to find out information about her. Rigged to poor boy up with microphones and cameras and everything.” Yoruichi smirked. “I spent three hundred thousand kan to find out that she liked sushi. I could have just asked her that! But I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”
The pair finished up their game and paid their complements to the chef. In the end Soifon won, but not by much. Their scores were almost comically low and Yoruichi’s inebriated state didn’t help matters.
“Well, I guess this is goodbye.” Yoruichi said after they were outside the alley.
“I guess.” Soifon replied, trying her best to stay calm. The shock of the news she heard to night was transforming into pure jubilation.
Suddenly, Yoruichi started to lean towards Ryo’s face with pursed lips.
“What are you doing?” Soifon took a step backwards panicked.
“I’m giving you a good night kiss.” Yoruichi replied innocently.
“T..that won’t be necessary.” Soifon assured.
“Nonsense! If Hitoshi got one, then so will you.” Yoruichi leaned in again, but Soifon stepped back. The two began to struggle with each other. Soifon was trying desperately to get away, while Yoruichi was trying desperately to remove Ryo’s face mask to that she could plant a sloppy wet kiss on the boy’s cheek.
Eventually, Yoruichi managed to get one of her fingers in the face mask.
“Ah ha!” Yoruichi said triumphantly. “Now I finally get to see…your…fa…ce…” Yoruichi’s voice trailed off as she realized that she was looking at a very horrified looking Soifon. “S…Soi?” Yoruichi asked in disbelief.
“Yes, Yoruichi-sama.” Soifon replied.
Yoruichi’s breath became short as her checks flushed deeply. Completely at a loss as to what to do with herself, Yoruichi did the one things she’s good at; she ran, leaving a dejected Soifon in her wake.
***
Soifon sat behind her desk in her office. Though the sun was shining and the birds were chirping, Soifon’s mood was hardly as chipper.
The look on Yoruichi’s face when she realized that she had been with Soifon the whole night seemed burned into Soifon’s memory. It was the look of abject terror.
Soifon didn’t understand. If Yoruichi had feelings for her, then why did she look so distressed when she found that that he was actually she?
And what was worse was that Yoruichi seemed to be avoiding her now. It had been a week since that date, and Soifon hadn’t seen any sign of her.
Soifon was shaken out of her thoughts by a timid knocking at her door.
“Come in,” Soifon beckoned disinterestedly. She was surprised to see Yoruichi slide the shoji open.
“Yoruichi-sama?” Soifon said as if she didn’t believe her eyes.
“Hey,’ Yoruichi replied shyly. “Sorry about waiting so long to talk to you about… that night.” Yoruichi started. “I know you’re busy, so it was on me to get things rolling.” Yoruichi rubbed the back of her head awkwardly. “I was just so mortified, having told you everything when I thought that you were someone else, that I could stand the thought of speaking to you again.” Soifon opened her mouth to reply, but Yoruichi continued.
“But then I realized that you went through all the trouble of disguising yourself to go out on a date with me. That means something, right?” Yoruichi asked hopefully.
“Yes, that mean a lot,” Soifon replied, smirking slightly. The two women stood there in silence, neither knowing what to say next.
“So…” Yoruichi drew out the word. “Where does that leave us?”
“How about we start by going out on a real date.” Soifon replied with more confidence that she anticipated. “One without spy cameras or disguises. That seems like the logical place to begin.”
“Yeah,” Yoruichi smiled, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'd like that.”
Spoiler:
I really don’t like this. This is my first time revisiting this fic in any meaningful capacity and I don’t think it holds up at all. Some of the stuff I did with Yoruichi was interesting, but it’s all killed by my rushed execution.
Mr Khan Hollow
Posts : 96 Join date : 2012-02-01 Location : Source of the Sun
The issue with writing a fic centered on Yoruichi's hundred years is that, beyond the character study, there's no appeal. It would essentially be "Yoruichi's random adventures on Earth," and could range anywhere from a Forrest Gump type telling to something yet more mundane, and however much substantive character development was injected there
That plus the fact that canon and quasi-canon materials strongly hint at the fact that Yoruichi was a cat a vast majority of that itme. With Soi Fon hundred-year fics you get intrigue and changes in the actual world, and i think that's why no-one in any Yoruichi fandom has tackled it
Also likely because there's very little evidence (aside from speculation) that Yoruichi changed at all over the years, whereas the Soi Fon change is obvious and provides you something to work towards.
SoldierG65434-2 H-H-Hacker
Posts : 1149 Join date : 2010-05-06 Location : Citadel Station
Subject: Re: SoldierG65434-2 Fic Commentaries Sat Apr 14, 2012 12:46 am
Mr Khan wrote:
The issue with writing a fic centered on Yoruichi's hundred years is that, beyond the character study, there's no appeal. It would essentially be "Yoruichi's random adventures on Earth," and could range anywhere from a Forrest Gump type telling to something yet more mundane, and however much substantive character development was injected there
Now I want to read a fic where every time Yoruichi shakes someone's hand, something terrible happens to them.
Seriously though, I don't see any reason why it couldn't work. The only problem is that it would require a lot of work on the author's part because they can't rely on the established canon basically at all. And because of that, you have to ask if people want to read a Bleach fic with basically only Yoruichi in it.
I still think it could work, and could work well. It would just have to basically be a character study of Yoruichi. We've had plenty of Sui-Feng, I think it's time Yoruichi got one.
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