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 A Dream as Deep as the Ocean

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Yoruichi Fon
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PostSubject: A Dream as Deep as the Ocean   Thu Sep 08, 2011 5:10 pm

The long expanse of golden beach was something from a dream. Soft, warm bleach white sand; cerelean blue water that stretched to the horizon. Small, colourful shells dotted the kilometer of beachfront, along with driftwood, sea hawks and other crustatious wildlife. The house that sat fifty feet back from the high tide line was almost castle like in size, and all windows along the beach side of the mansion. The thirteen rooms, eight bathrooms, and large library would seem too big for just one person, but the cavernous space was a freedom. The open floor plan left one awestruck, just as it had when the purple haired business tycoon first laid eyes upon it. Her lean 5'2 build barely filled the frame of the doorway. Golden eyes had scrutinized everything in sight as her gait carried her towards the large glass french doors that opened upon her heaven. For the first time, the realitor saw a smile creep onto the face of the tyrant woman that had demanded this plot of land for her home to be constructed on.

That was three weeks ago. The furniture was all in, the decor finalized. Oh, it hadn't been easy. Not in the slightest. The movers tossed her precious things around like they were made of rubber and not bone china or antique mahogany. Needless to say, the six foot tall men had left with their heads bowed and tails tucked snug between their legs. Thankfully, everything had arrived in one piece, and Yoruichi had been able to muscle everything into the large rooms that spread down large, open halls.

Her task today was to hire the people that would keep it in the current state it was. Yoruichi Shihoin was the multi-billionaire CEO and owner of Shihoin International Ltd; the best security firm in the world. It had all started as her little home security business, and had been well known in her small hometown. Then the blonde man had changed everything. He was patent advisor, and saw the 'dollar signs blooming from the planters in the front of your office!" as he said. Kisuke Urahara was now her business partner, and the only reason the business woman sat with a five pound manilla folder of resumes on her lap.

Kisuke had been concerned that his partners 'precious investment' would fall to tatters outside their extensively busy schedules, and had insisted that she hire a crew of "in home help'" to cater to her when she was home and care for her childhood dream when she wasn't.

Looking around her house-sized living room, Yoruichi couldn't help but grin at her surroundings. The walls where the same warm colour of the sand outside, the baseboards and trim barely a shade darker. The ornamental rugs that littered the floor where the deepest navy money could buy, and the sofa, love seat and recliner chair where all the color of fresh snow. The rest of the furniture was the deep chocolate of mahogany and the grand mantle place covered in shale of brilliant turquoise hues.

Casting her hawk-like eyes to the only oak ensemble in her home, Yoruichi read the time from the imperial grandfather clock. '12:57. They should be arriving soon...' Not sure why, the woman felt nervous that she was making a mistake. Setting the folder onto the ornate mahogany coffee table, Shihoin-sama stood and straightened her flowing, pale orange sun dress. Shaking her mane of fluid purple hair out behind her, Yoruichi silently scolded herself. She must look ridiculous. She had wanted to wear one of her custom-tailored navy suits, but Urahara had told her it would make her look over bearing. She didn't need the help.

As the clock bellowed its' booming tolls, the tinkle of her doorbell clattered through the silence of her home. Rushing to the door, she swung it open. There stood a small silohette of absolute perfection backdropped by the bright sunshine and care-free blue sky.

[AN: This is my very first YoruSoi fanfic. I have written before, but never YoruSoi. Please be honest and let me know what needs improving!!]
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PostSubject: Re: A Dream as Deep as the Ocean   Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:26 pm

This really stuck out to me:

"Her lean 5'2 build barely filled the frame of the doorway."

You don't really need to get down to that type of minutia when describing a character. Her size in relation to other things would be a better descriptor, if we absolutely must know. Numbers can often be distracting.

What does it say about me when the first thing I though when I read "security firm" was mercenaries? I still think it should be mercenaries. It would suit the Shihoins.

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Yoruichi Fon
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PostSubject: Re: A Dream as Deep as the Ocean   Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:44 pm

My thought was that the Shihoin's have always been apart of the Onmitsukido, and when I think of them, I do think of mercenaries, but I wanted it to be a little less typical.

I love how you pulled out the only numbers I left on number format instead of writing out.....
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PostSubject: Re: A Dream as Deep as the Ocean   Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:56 pm

Yoruichi Fon wrote:
My thought was that the Shihoin's have always been apart of the Onmitsukido, and when I think of them, I do think of mercenaries, but I wanted it to be a little less typical.
But with mercenaries you can write about proxy companies and political intrigue. You could have the Shihoins run a PMC out of China that's in bed with the Afghans in order to secure a share of Afghanistan's metric fuckton of natural resources for Japan right out form under the American's noses! And...I suppose you could have Yoruichi and Sui-Feng have sex or something at some point...

Yoruichi Fon wrote:
I love how you pulled out the only numbers I left on number format instead of writing out.....
I still would have said it even if you had written "five feet two inches." We just don't need to know that specific of details about her physical appearance. All that five-two says is "she's short," and there are more descriptive and interesting ways to convey that idea than numbers.

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