Well, that’ll learn me for taking the time and effort to painstakingly piece together a multi-chaptered, multi-layered monolith of a fic.
For future reference:
- Don’t try and link the story to the canon, it’s not clever and no one cares how long it took you to think out the alternative setting that would be familiar for the reader but hopefully (ya failed, honey – down some turps!) brings something new to the characters and story.
- Minor characters are minor for a reason. They don’t have souls and are only there for one liners or filling space. Under no circumstances should you treat them as though they actually have any relevance to the story. That tangled web of emotion and intrigue you’ve been desperately weaving that inextricably links all the characters together? It’s worth about as much as the dog crap you stepped in this morning (this actually happened to me, made worse since it was my own dog’s crap)
- Need a bad guy? Fuck Aizen! Let’s call him Count Ludvig Leovald, Kicker of Kittens! That sounds kind of badass, right?
- Actually, bad guys are overrated, Scrabbles where it’s at.
- You want Yoruichi to have hurt Soi at some point? Well tough shit it ain’t happening. All of Soi’s anger and emotional turmoil stems from that one time at band camp when she failed to win a goldfish from the hook-a-duck as a child.
- Similarly, Yoruichi is no longer a role model and huge influence upon Soi’s life, actually they just met and Yoruichi is an escaped – no, wait, too close to canon Yoruichi – a randomly passing genetically engineered catgirl/cyborg/elephantastic hybrid. With laser eyes. Yeah.
- Keep the plot simple, no one likes drama, suspense or intrigue. Scrabble is really where it’s at.
- Happy ending is mandatory.
Yes, I really have learnt my lesson and shall now go forth a delete Redemption so that it may never again befoul the internet. Also, I shall encourage all other AU writers to delete their fics, unless they have turned Yoruichi and Soi Fon into talking pink bovine, in which case that’s perfectly fine.
Though I’m not too sure I like the sound of that ‘talking’ business, sounds a bit too close to the canon to me... Maybe they should simply “moo” and do other bovine things, like take a day trip to the abattoir.
Anyways, without further ado I present to you my newest masterpiece:
The Miraculously Magical and Maddening Misfortunate Adventures of Yoruichi and Soi Fon in Funderland the most Merry and Funnest Place that Everest There Was!
Yoruichi and Soi Fon were mincing gaily through the mushroom woods one bright and sunny day, when Yoruichi decided that a game of Scrabble was in order. Scrabble was the bestest game EVAH! And Yoruichi was just the bestest player of Scrabble that ever did live.
“Grr!” Soi Fon exclaimed. “I am so incredibly angry for I have emotional issues linked to trust and abandonment for inexplicable reasons.”
“It’s okay Soi Fon,” Yoruichi chirruped. “My laser eyes can be set to a frequency that heals all outstanding psychological issues.”
Yoruichi zapped Soi Fon with her laser eyes.
“Oh hooray, I am cured and now I no longer have trust issues!” Soi Fon was very happy indeed and that made Yoruichi happy.
But, oh no, what’s this? Count Ludvig Leovald, the Kicker of Kittens and general hater of all things fluffy is here to ruin everyone’s day!
(Boo! Hiss!)
“BWAHAHA! I am generically evil!” He cackled. “And now I shall kick Yoruichi around and then kidnap Soi Fon. This is allowed because nothing like this ever happened in canon, but apparently in fan fics Soi Fon is easy to capture. It's because she's small and fits easily in most handheld luggage and overhead compartments”
So he did, and bad times were had by all, especially Yoruichi who had just been kicked rather hard in the face.
“It’s okay, I’m still beautiful!” She cried defiantly - that’s the spirit girl! “And now I am going to go rescue Soi Fon!”
So she ripped off all her clothes and set off to rescue Soi Fon, who we all decided was utterly useless for getting herself kidnapped in the first place.
She somehow - I don’t care how, make something up – arrived at Count Ludvig Leovald, Kicker of Kittens, fortress of DOOM Solitude umm ... it’s just a fortress of some description and then broke in. But not with ninja skillz, because she doesn’t have ninja skillz what with not being a ninja of any kind. Let’s say that she has the power to make herself insubstantial, yeah, that’ll do, and she simply walked through the door. Go her.
To cut down on time there was also only one room in the fortress and she found Count Ludvig Leovald, Kicker of Kittens in record time.
“Release Soi at once you evil... um... man!” Yoruichi cried.
“You can’t be naked, it ties too close into the canon representation of you,” Count Ludvig Leovald, Kicker of Kittens pointed out. “You’ll have to put some clothes on before you do anything else.
“Help me, Yoruichi!” Soi Fon wailed. “I can’t escape even though I’m standing right next to the fire exit and the sign is illuminated and it should be fairly easy for me to calmly walk away from this boring predicament.”
“I can’t do it Soi!” Yoruichi replied in an unnecessarily loud voice as she pulled on some pants. “There’s too much to do. First I have to get dressed, and then I have to have some sort of emotional issue where I question our relationship, my sexuality, what Urahara means to me and also the best possible way to get to Amarillo. It’s just too much, I’m sorry.”
“BWAHAH! I have won!” Cackled Ludvig Leovald, Kicker of Kittens.
“But Yoruichi,” Soi Fon said. “I will forgive you any misdemeanour you commit against me – you can cheat on me all you like, for I am an invertebrate! Check out my exoskeleton!”
Collective le gasp!
That’s right; Soi Fon was some sort of crustacean. Umm... right... Clearly running out of ideas here.
Suddenly Yoruichi found her second wind – apparently it was cleverly hidden in her other pants – and proceeded to kick Count Ludbig Leovald, Kicker of Kittens ass left, right and slightly off centre. Then she picked Soi up, not bridal style, possibly by her ... um... braids... and carried her back to the um... mushroom forest...yeah. Where they had hawt lesbian secks!
Huzzahs all round!
Then they played Scrabble and Kira called round randomly for no reason at all.
“I am not needed for this story nor any other YoruSoi AU plotted fic,” He stated calmly and then left for he is not important to the story at all.
“I am so in the loves!” Yoruichi proclaimed.
“Yes me too!” Soi Fon mindlessly agreed.
And they lived happily ever after.
Thankfully, the end!
I should probably point out that I'm not angry, actually I'm fairly amused. As if you couldn't already tell.